I am having probably the worst day that I have had since December 20th, the day that my life would forever change. The New Year has always represented change and growth to me. It has been a time to consider how I could better myself while reflecting on the good and the bad of the previous year. This is all something that I cannot fathom doing right now. I can't get past the overwhelming sorrow that I am feeling.
It has been 12 days since I last heard that giggle, last felt your lips on mine, and last heard you say, "Mommy, I love you!" Oh, my sweet Adeline, the pain that I feel right now is so deep. It hurts so bad. Huxley and Althea played with friends and then stayed with my mom and dad, Andrew went to a party at a friend's house. I was happy to see them being just kids for a bit, not kids who have lost a sister.
That being said, not having at least one of them here with me is making me so anxious. I feel an overwhelming anxiety about them not being here. I know that they are safe. I know that they are fine.
I think that the struggle for me today is coming from knowing that 2021 is a year in which Adeline will never be here with us. A year where we will not hear her giggle, see her smile, feel her hugs, and touch her hand. It's a year that I am not ready for. I want the year back where I got to spend so much time with my children. I want the year of COVID-19 where we laughed, played board games, and spent so much extra time together. I want 2020 to start over again and again so that I have her here with me.
This will not happen. 2020 will never be again. Adeline will never again be on earth.
Please pray for me today. Please keep me in your upcoming prayers. I know that I have to keep living for the amazing three children that I have. I know that I have to be a great mom for them. I know that Adeline would want me at my best for them. I just feel that I can't be that mom. I don't feel like I can ever quite be the same mom that I was before. I am terrified all of the time and have increased anxiety anytime that I am not with the kids, or at least one of them.