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A Mommy and Me Weekend in St. Louis

Adeline and I had so much fun together and were never short on adventures. One and half years ago, we went with my friend Holly and her daughter Delaynee (who was friends with Adeline since birth) to St. Louis for a mommy and me weekend. Holly was taking Delaynee to the JoJo Siwa concert and Adeline told me that she didn't want to go. So, we had some special memories as a group and some amazing moments where we we were alone and I am so thankful for those moments today.

While I sit here sobbing with my grief, I am trying to remember the happy little girl that Adeline was and am trying to share her joy, which feels weird as tears are streaming down my cheeks.

Our weekend began by loading the girls up, you can see Adeline's pink bear behind her (yes the same pink bear that now resides on my desk behind glass as the firemen gave it to me). I remember listening to the girls giggle and play games while Holly and I chatted and it was an amazing time.

While Holly and Delaynee went to the concert, Adeline and I decided to check out the arch. I will never forget her squeals of joy and excitement as we were preparing for the ride to the top. Once there, the amazement and pure joy in her face was absolutely beautiful.

I think that for that reason, this will always be one of my favorite pictures of her. She was an amazing little girl and this shows the joy that she had in her heart and the joy that she shared with the world. I miss her joy so much. I miss that I will never get to have another moment like this. I am mad that I only have these moments to cling to for the rest of my life until I can be with her again in eternity. I want her back with a longing and a passion so strong that I can't even describe what it feels like.

The next day before going home, we went to Grant's Farm. This was the tram ride into the park and she was so excited to spend the day seeing animals and going on an adventure. That is what we always called our time together, adventures. I am so thankful that she and I took the time to share in so many adventures.

This was before we went into the park and there were some incredible stories that she still talked about. For instance, when we got in the first thing that Adeline wanted to do was feed the goats. While in the goat area, a goat started eating Holly's shirt. Just a few weeks ago, Adeline said to me, "mommy do you remember that time that a goat ate Holly's shirt? That was so funny." We shared a laugh together. Oh, what I would not give to hear that giggle and laugh again.

I will never forget that Adeline told me that she was going to conquer that camel on her own and for me to ride with her next time. (I am sitting here sobbing that we never got that next time and that I never did ride a camel with my precious girl.) Then when we got over there, she said well Delaynee since your mom's riding, I guess we will all ride together. LOL! That was Adeline.

We shared so much laughter, so much love and so many memories. This picture that we took at Mellow Mushroom, before we went to Grant's Farm, will always be a favorite because it is my relationship with Adeline. Our relationship was pure love, I remember all of my children saying that she was my favorite because she didn't get in trouble. I remember asking them what she should be in trouble for. Adeline was a easy going, she listened, and our bond was unique (each of my kids and I share a unique bond) but hers was a bond that I could never understand. I think that the bond was meant to prepare me for what was to come, to make it so that there were no regrets. I don't have regrets about punishments, times that I didn't do something she wanted, etc. I only have regrets that I could not save her and that I could not protect her as a mother is supposed to when it mattered the most. For that, baby girl I will be forever sorry.

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