Today was a VERY long day. I don't know how to explain how I have felt the past 40 days, but today when we took her to be placed in her urn, it made the entire thing feel so much more real. It felt so final, so permanent, and those feelings were so hard to take. I have created a space for the urn and her urn is beautiful, but it could never be as beautiful as her.
I sobbed on my drive home with her since I was alone. I was able to really cry and tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am that I couldn't save her. The only thing in the world that would make this all right is having her here alive and giggling and smiling....with me and I know that this can never happen. I am having a lot of anxiety and pain today because I just want to hold her in my arms, feel her hug me, and hear her say that she loves me. I don't know how to handle the pain that I am feeling. I do so much better when my other three kids are around, but when it is just Shane and I....I pretty much sit and sob and nothing else. I am in so much pain that I want to scream and cry. I want to yell at someone. I want to beg someone. I want to have her back with me...but I know that it can never be.
Adeline loved tie dye and rainbows. This urn is the one that we chose for her and we had to wait a while for it, but I was the only one that felt right. It was the one that Adeline would have picked had she been able to pick it herself. It was perfect for my sweet angel. I am sure that it made her smile and I am sure that she loves it. I know that I have felt her pretty strong lately. I have felt her in so many places and a few times, I have heard her voice lately. I have heard her tell me that she loves me. I know that she lives as a part of me and that she is always with me. I am still so sad that I can't hold her.
I was thinking about the things that I will miss out on with my girl today and then I realized that I am friends with so many of her friends' moms. I want to still be a part of these little girls lives. I know that it is going to be hard watching them grow up when my precious Adeline is not growing up with them. I know that it is going to hard to watch the special moments in their lives, knowing that my little girl should have been there with them. However, Adeline loved her best friends and I want to show that love to them. I want these sweet girls to be a part of our lives. I am even thinking that I will do something special around her birthday each year with her friends. I would love to still keep in touch with them and hear about the things that they are doing and know them as they become older. I want them to know that we are still here for them if they need us.
I created a little area for her on my nightstand. I have so many small precious things there and her bear that she slept with all of the time. I am so thankful that I got to have that bear. It is one of the best things that it was able to save and I am so thankful to have him. Notice that the bear is in a glass case? Well that is because it is toxic from the smoke. I have to keep it behind glass because there is no way that I want it washed. I don't want anything washed because it was the last thing that she slept with. I got to keep so few things that were hers and so few things that she held and cuddled. This bear means more to me than anyone could ever realize or imagine.
Oh my Sweet Adeline, you are my sunshine. You were such a bright light in our world and you made us so happy when you were with us. We all love you so much and are so sad that we do not know how we are going to get through this. We are reminded of your love, your grace, your friendship, your joy, and your beauty. Adeline, we are trying to make it and trying to live for you. We just don't know how, but we are determined to keep trying.
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