So, I thought that I had this post written but something happened and it disappeared. I guess maybe I did not say the right thing? So, Adeline I am trying to tell this story the way that you would have wanted it told. I guess first I want to talk about you a little bit. Adeline was the most dynamic and powerful human that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I often wondered what I had done right in life that God would have chosen me to be such an amazing human's mommy. Adeline was so funny. For instance, today on FB two memories popped up in my timeline.
Memory 1 -- January 25, 2020...just one year ago, 8 years old.
A -- Daddy's like a giant stuffed animal, he lays in bed all day and is really cuddly.
Me -- Well, aren't I cuddly?
A -- Yeah but you don't lay in bed all day like daddy!
(Someone has a daddy who always loved sleeping in.)
Memory 2 -- January 25, 2015....6 years ago, 3 years old.
Me -- What did you learn about in church today?
A -- Jesus.
Me -- What did Jesus do?
A -- He pooped on the grass.
Me -- Really?
A -- and he eat lunch, and eat fresh fries like we eat French fries.
(French fries, especially those from McDonalds were one of A's favorite foods. We often got fries on the way to dance or when she would get out and we would be waiting for Althea and they were almost always from McDonalds. That being said, we also often got Steak N Shake this year when they were offering free fries. She would remind me when I said that I didn't have a lot of extra money that we could just go get those free fries. I have really struggled to eat fries without her here...I just can't bring myself to enjoy something that she enjoyed so much when she can't enjoy it.)
So anyways, yesterday I know that Adeline was with me and I know that she was telling me to be strong. I was cleaning our bedroom and working on the house (hopefully after next weekend the house will be in order and I can share pics with you all of how it is becoming our temporary home while we look for our forever home!). I pulled a new pair of jeans out of a tote and carried them and the shirt that I wanted to wear into the bathroom and set them on the counter. I then went back to cleaning with the intention of getting ready before Holly was here to pick me up for pedicures and lunch!
When I went back in after getting bathed and putting lotion on, I was getting ready to get dressed when I saw an earring on my jeans. It was a small heart that said "PWR" on it. I took this as a sign from Adeline that I need to power through and that I have the power to do this. I have the power to keep living even without my precious angel living with me. I know that Adeline is with me and I feel her on a regular basis. I also know that she is sending me constant signs. I miss everything about the life that we had, but I know that I can't have it back so if I am to be a good mom and wife....keeping together a family that Adeline loved so much and was so proud of, that I have to learn how to keep moving forward and living...even when I do not want to.
I managed to have a good day yesterday. I went with Holly and got a pedicure and dinner out. It was weird eating in a restaurant since we have not often done that during COVID. After I got home, I grabbed Althea and took her shopping for a bit. I am officially about 6 pant sizes smaller than I was before the fire. I was wearing mostly pants that were 4 sizes bigger but I was poured into them. I'm now comfortably wearing a size 14...closer to my goal to wear a size 10 than I would have thought was possible and I had been a poured into 18 and sometimes had to get a size 20. I feel that this gift of health is being given to me and that I can get to my healthiest by continuing to make choices that are healthy.
I know that Adeline would have wanted me to live and this was a sweet reminder that I need to keep going and living for her. I want to be my best so that she would be proud of me but there are days when I am such a mess that I feel that she would be disappointed and this makes me more of a mess. I want to live the life that my sweet little angel dreamed of living. I want to be with her and have her in my arms...I just want what I cannot have. I am hopeful that I will get some things taken care of in counseling tomorrow and that I can begin my healing journey with my therapist. I know that I need help. I need help in ways that I have never needed help before. Some days I just do not know how to process a loss that has been so great.