A Letter to My Girl
My Dear Sweet Adeline,
I don't know how to start this letter. First, mommy wants you to know how amazing and special you were to each and every one of us. We have all struggled immensely since you have been gone. Each one of us has lost some of our sparkle, some of our joy....we miss you so very much.
There are few regrets that I have about your nine years here on earth with us. I regret not taking you in my bed that last night of your life, not holding you all night long and snuggling with you...not carrying you out of that house. I regret not going down the stairs slower and staying with you the entire time. I regret that I could not save you. I regret not taking the time to play a last board game that night when you asked any too late at night. I was tired and knew that we had big plans for Sunday, big plans that never came....big plans to prepare us all for the upcoming holiday, to have an amazing Christmas as I did each and every year.
I regret that I decided to give you clothes for Christmas and that I did not just give you all of the clothes that you had asked for and loved. I had gotten you most of them and was so excited to see you dressed up in them. Most days I regret that I did not go with you, that I did not die too. I just wish that I was in Heaven holding you, that I was there with you right now. My soul longs for you in a way that I did not even know was possible.
I also regret that I did not get control of my depression while you were alive. I regret that I did not demand that we move, knowing full well that the depression had to do with the negative energy that I felt in that house....knowing that it had to do with the negative feelings that I had when I lived in a small town. It's so weird to look back on this time. These were literally the moments of my life that I will always think of as my happiest moments, the moments that were so filled with laughter and love because you demanded that from each of us, and yet there was a depression that I did not even realize that I had. It was a depression that was deep and was underlying even though I was so happy. (I don't know if this makes sense to you or anyone else out there, but I was happy...like really happy and I experienced joy, true joy...but then I battled depression the entire time, the whole time underlying.)
Today, I know that I am not as depressed. I see that as I continue to lose weight. I struggle with other mental health issues, mostly stemming from the lack of control that I feel having lost you. I struggle with trying to feel in control of something, really in control of anything. There are lots of ways that I could channel these feelings. I choose to channel them into things having to do with my health. I am channeling them onto my mat each time that I practice yoga. I am channeling them into my mind each time that I take the time to meditate. I always knew that I was my own worst enemy, but never realized how true that was until I lost you. I know that there are things that make this better, make it easier, and yet those things seem to be what I run from when I am having a bad day. Perhaps I have a desire to feel the pain, to feel the loss at that depth because it reminds me of the depth of love that I had for you.
Adeline, I am so sorry that I did not listen to you or let you finish talking when you would start with, "mommy when I die..." I now long to know what you were trying to tell me. I just remember feeling so much fear and anxiety when those words came out of your mouth. I remember wanting to pick you up, hold you, and never ever let you go. I remember that I had always heard that when a child talks about dying, they usually end up dying. When you started to talk about dying, it hurt me so much. It made me so sad to think that my baby girl could die. I didn't want that to ever happen and I thought by keeping you from talking about it that I could protect you and keep this from being our fate.
I am so proud of the little girl that you were, of the amazing spirit that you had. I am so proud of your spunk, your tenacity, your energy and zeal for life. I am so proud of everything that you are, everything that you were, and everything that I am determined to help you become now...even after your passing. I am determined to carry your legacy forward, to remind others to be kind, to remind others to choose love over hate. I want to help others who are suffering as well. I want to help others who have lost children and don't know how to go on and I want to do it all in your name. Your life must continue to have meaning and purpose until I leave this earth and get to be reunited with you once again. I NEED you back in my life and I NEED you with me. I know that you are here, but I need to be on the same level as you and not just seeking you from a different side of life.
I have no doubts in my mind that you would want us to still be happy, that you would want us to still laugh.....I try so hard to be these things as I know that this is what you would have wanted, but I struggle without you here. I struggle to find joy in things that we used to do together. I try so hard for your sister and your brothers, but it still doesn't feel right and it never will. Nothing will ever be "right" again, it will be. It will happen, but it won't feel the same. It will go on, but it won't have the same meaning. It continue to be regardless of how much I don't want it to be.
Adeline, you were one in a million. There can simply NEVER be anyone that is like you, that has that spirit for life, that has that love and that compassion for others, that has those big plans and big goals and goes for them with a fierceness that amazes the rest of us. You will forever be remembered in other ways. The videos that will be cherished for years to come from the dance studio honoring you with a beautiful dance, the TV show pilot that you filmed and so much more. I was so lucky to be your mom, even if I only got nine years with you. You were the greatest human that I have ever known and there is no way for me to get over the immense hole that I feel in my soul without you here.
My dear sweet Adeline....mommy misses you so much. I miss you more than I knew that it was possible to miss someone. I miss you with a passion that I can't describe, with a longing that I have desired for my entire life, with a fierceness that I did not know that I could have. I have never been more proud of anything my entire life than I was of being your mom. From the moment that you were born, you changed me. You made me a better me, a better mom, and a better wife. You made me fall in love with your dad all over again when I saw the two of you interact it made my heart beat just a little quicker. You made me childlike again...you brought back a silliness that had long been gone because of what others would think of me. You made me patient, I remember that I would slow down for you no matter what you were doing, that I rarely rushed you like I did the other kids. You changed me so much and made me a better me, a me that I could have never been without you.
I will never understand why you had to go, why I had to lose you, why you could not stay here with me. I will never be able to fathom why you could not have been here with me at least until the day that I passed.
I will forever love you. I will never stop longing to be reconnected with you. I can't wait for that day to come, but know that there are so many that need me here now. I will continue living and I promise that I will live life to its fullest, that I will do things that have always scared me so that you can live life through me and have these experiences by tagging along with me.
Love you forever and always, to the moon and back through the universe and back again!