A Letter to My Daughter
Mommy misses you so very much baby girl! I can't believe that I have had to live almost an entire year without you. When they first told me that I lost you, I thought that I would die from a broken heart within seconds. The seconds stretched into minutes, the minutes into hours, the hours into days, the days into weeks, and now the weeks have almost stretched into a year. I miss everything about you and wish that I could just hold you in my arms.
I remember as if it were yesterday what it was like to hold you in my arms when you were an infant. I remember cuddling you and holding you for hours. I remember a need to savor every single moment that I could with you and I am so very grateful that I got the opportunity to savor most moments with you.
Your first Christmas you were perfect in our world, perfect in our hearts, and perfect in our lives. You were the missing piece to our family's puzzle. I remember after Huxley was born thinking in my head that we were done having children but then knowing in my heart that I was still longing for more. Adeline, my sweet girl, you answered that longing and filled it in a way that no one else ever could. I wish that there was something that I could do to bring you back.
You are quite simply the most amazing little girl that I have ever known and someone that I truly was excited to see grow and conquer the world. I know that you would have done the most amazing and greatest things with your life. I just don't understand why God didn't let you stay on Earth longer to have more time with us and more time to do all of the things that you hoped to do.
I never wish that I could stop the painful longing that I feel with every single fiber of my being. In fact, I will proudly carry this longing and pain with me the rest of my days here on Earth until I get to be reunited with you. I will carry the pain and longing because I believe that grief is as far as the depth of your love. I loved you so much and know that I will carry that pain daily forever because you were that important and that loved. You were so fun to be around and truly the best human being that I have ever met. I do not think that you could ever understand how serious and proud I am that I got to call you mine.
Life can never be the same without you and that is okay. I am at the stage of my grief where I accept what I feel knowing that I cannot change it. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could change things. I wish that there was some way to go back in time, to do things differently, to give my life up so that you could live yours. I don't think that anyone can understand how serious I am when I say that giving up my life for you would have been a happy sacrifice that I would have happily taken.
I don't think that there are enough pages or space in the world for me to truly write about the depths of my love that I have felt for you. I remember so many things about your amazing life and the time that we shared together. I remember always spending most of my time with you and you always tagging along with me because you enjoyed our time together so much. I am so thankful that we got to share so much time together and that you enjoyed being with me as much as I enjoyed being with you. It was so genuine and pure, the love that you shared with all of us.
As I am thinking about how to wrap up this letter to you, I am reminded that while it might seem like a lifetime since I have held you, you are all around me and you are here right now reading this. You are a part of me and you will be with me forever. I know that one day I will get to have God's promise of eternity and that you are the one that I will be most longing to see when my time comes. There are days that I wish that my time would come sooner rather than later, but I also know that your daddy, you sister, and your brothers need me now. I know that they need a mom who is present and working on being here for them and I continue to try as hard as I possibly can.
I miss you so much baby girl! I don't think that there is any less desire to have you here than the first minute when I could not get up those stairs to you. I was so worried and panicked and that feeling has never left me. I sit around worried and panicked as if I should be able to connect with you but I simply can't.
Until we meet again my littlest love. I will forever be yours!