4 Weeks....The Pain Feels Worse
Today has been an awful day. I don't know that I have cried this much since it first happened. I am a complete mess today. I don't want to do anything but hold my girl. I just want her here with me. I want to hold her have her snuggle up next to me and just be together with her. I know that I can never have this again. Four weeks has just been too long without you, Adeline. I want you back so bad. I want to hear your giggle, see your smile, and feel your touch with all that I am. I just need you back here with me...I seriously will give everything just to have you in my arms.
At some points today I have felt like I can't keep doing this, like I can't keep going. I know that I have to, but at this point I just don't feel like I can....this bump in the road just seems too steep...it feels like the tallest mountain and I feel like I am hovering in the middle unable to keep climbing above it.
I am in significant pain today after having dental surgery earlier in the week. I legit feel like I am unable to even breathe without pain. I am on meds and am trying to just forget about it but I feel like going to bed is going to be my only relief from the pain. I just don't know how to do this and I don't know how to navigate life without my baby girl. I love Huxley, Althea and Andrew so much so I honestly try to be better for them....but any time that I am alone, I literally sit and sob. I just miss her and want to be with her so bad. I want her here with me.
My Sweet Adeline, I will never understand why you had to leave, why God decided that it was your time to go. I will never be able to process life without you fully. I know that I will eventually learn to live through this pain and to live through the feelings that I have but for now each breath that I take feels like a struggle, like someone is standing on my chest and holding me down where I can't quite get the breath that I need, but I get enough to just keep going. I just need to see and hold you today more than ever. Please, my sweet angel, please come visit me in my dreams tonight. I need to hold you, see your smile, hear your sweet little voice tell me that you love, and just know that you are okay again. I feel your presence all of the time. I feel you near me during the day and I feel your presence in my dreams even when you don't visit me or I don't remember your visits when I wake. There are moments when I feel so much peace and I know that this peace is coming to me because you are with me, you are holding me and close to me and I feel you during those times. You have always made my life better. You have always offered me so much more than I was capable of offering myself, so for that I thank you so much sweet baby girl.