14 Months Ago....
Today marks 14 months since I lost my girl. I have struggled each and every second, every moment of every day. To those who said that it would get easier, please stop. Stop telling grieving moms that it ever gets easier. It doesn't. Some days I scream and cry and beg God just as much as I did those first moments when I found out that we had lost her. I am so tired of people thinking or believing that my life is ever going to be any different. It is not. I am NEVER going to get over the grief of losing my girl, my baby.
(I put together this basket of Adeline's Favorite Things....there were unicorn toys, a book from her favorite book series, a bath bomb, a notebook, pens, a game, stickers that we had made in honor of her, and so much more. It was hard to put together this basket but the opportunity to give back to her school in honor of her is an opportunity we just can't pass up.)
Each and every day, I see her face in those last moments. I can still remember what her hand felt like on my cheek as she held my face and told me I was the best mommy in the world before giving me a big kiss. The problem for me is that I did not save her. I let go and I went ahead and when I came back I could not get to her. I miss her every single second of every day. The feeling in the pit of my stomach threatening to make me vomit is continuous. It happens every single second of every single day.
I mourn my girl. I mourn so many moments in life that she will never get, so many chances that she will never have. Some days are better than others. I can handle life for a few weeks, but then I struggle to be able to live. I struggle until l take a break and remove myself from my life, from the life that I live and the life that I have. I am able to have moments of happy. I have a beautiful family and three healthy children. I am so very thankful for that. I am also thankful for Shane, there is no way in the world that I could have made it or could continue to make it in life without him. He is the perfect piece to my puzzle and has become so much more than my husband. He is my best friend, my soulmate and the person that I need in my life. I only beg God each day in my prayers to never make me live a day without him. I know that I could. I am strong and I could handle anything that God gives me, but I already feel such deep depths of sorrow, I don't want to have to be sadder. I don't want to mourn the loss of anyone else that I love so much!
This past weekend I got to share a night with my girl's best friends. These little girls are pretty special to me and while I was sitting there with the three that sat at my table, I couldn't help but think about how much Adeline needed to be there too. She needed to be playing Bingo and winning prizes. We had a lucky night with the raffle at our table. Adeline's very best friend, Leah won the Adeline's Favorite Things basket that Shane, the kids and I put together to donate. She was so excited! We laughed with the girls and really enjoyed our time hanging out with them and getting to share an evening with them. To hear their laughter and the things that they talked about and to have them all share how much they still miss our girl really means something.
We know that life continues to go on but many things about life stopped in those first moments 14 months ago. We stopped the unconditional laughter and happiness without sorrow. I don't know how to describe this to someone who has not experienced it. Joy is still joy, happiness is still happiness, but there is always a feeling of sadness or sorrow underneath.
I am working my way through school...FINALLY. I am in the middle of finishing my first paper. I have two more to go before I leave for Mexico trip two in late March. I will submit paper #1 tomorrow. Paper #2 will be after we get back from Mexico this trip. I plan on reading at the airport, on the plane, and in the mornings before Shane is awake while I watch the sunrise from the beach. I love mornings and he does not so it is what is going to work best for us.
Shane and I will be taking our first trip without the kiddos since the fire that is not a simple night away or grief retreat. This is the first big trip that we are taking for us and we have both decided the last big trip that we will be taking without our kids. We know all too well that time with your children is fleeting and that you can never get back time once it is gone. We are there with Adeline and with Andrew away at school we realize how quickly things with change with Althea and Huxley. We love each other and love spending time together alone but know that our time for the next few years needs to be focussed on showing the world to the kiddos.
We get to see our favorite band, explore Mexico together, and just enjoy being husband and wife without the pressures of everything that we face in day to day life. We have each made promises for self growth and self discovery. We are excited for the experienced and blessed to be coming home to two of the most amazing kiddos on the planet. We just wish that we were coming home to four.