Trying to Make New Memories
Making new memories with my girl is so hard. I feel like I will break and crack and break down while also attempting to have a smile on my face. I usually fail because all that I want is for her to be here in my arms and creating new memories without her make me feel like I am doing something wrong. I had a complete breakdown yesterday and literally it was like I was going crazy without you here. I remember so many things and so many conversations that we had and I know now that you attempted to prepare me, but because you were such a good and respectful child, you did not. I am forever grateful that you were in my life, but I will forever wonder why this is what the outcome of your life had to be.
I wanted to see you grow up my sweet girl. I wanted to see you do all of the things that you were looking forward to that you watched your older siblings do. Some days when I wake up it still doesn't feel real. Most days it feels like just yesterday that you were here with me, but then there are some days when life is too rough, when life hurts too much that I feel like I simply can't keep breathing. I want to live for your siblings and dad. I want to be a good mom and wife to them, but in these moments I simply have nothing else left to give and I don't know how.
Dinner sure did look different this time without you here with us. We are all heartbroken and sad and each and every one of us wants you to be here. We want to go back to what we had with your silliness and your giggles. We want to have that happiness and joy that we have been missing.
We had dinner at our new table last night and while it was nice to connect and be at the same dinner table again. Of course, I could not eat since I was thinking about your laughter, your giggle, your smile on our table. I was thinking of you and therefore there was nothing else that I could have done. I just wanted you here with me so bad and I wanted you sitting at the table eating spaghetti and garlic bread with us. Jean (my childhood best friend) purchased La Gondola for us which was awesome since that had been the first meal that we had when I brought our original yellow table home. I can say that even though it is hard to see a table that you will never sit at, the memories of our old yellow table make it just a little bit better. I miss you so much! I miss the joy that I had when you were alive. I remember that I always called you my littlest love and my tiny dancer and now there are so many things that I can't do, hear, or say because I feel so broken.
My dear precious angel, please help mommy to be strong. Please be with me during these moments so that I can feel you and keep going on. I know that we are all broken. I know that we are all struggling. Daddy sleeps with sissy and our new puppy Lovebug (we named him Lovebug because that is what you'd name all of your favorite Roblox characters) most nights. Last night Huxley climbed into bed with me. It was nice to have someone next to me to cuddle since I miss that you were always the one to come crawl into bed with me and snuggle. I know that one day I will see you again. I know that you will have a castle for us to live in together, but until I can be with you I know that I am going to feel this immense sadness and longing. I am going to forever wish that you were here in my arms. I am so broken and lost and while I lose it regularly and flip out and break down....I know that one day I am going to be just a little bit better at carrying on. I just don't know how long this is going to take.