Summer is my very favorite season. I love the warmth and I love that the sun seems to mostly be shining. In the past one of my favorite things to do was go on weekly summer adventures and special outdoor things that we are not able to do the rest of the year. I guess my new summer thing is going to be to mourn the first part of summer. Summer is a harsh reminder that she is not here with us, that our adventures will not be with her tagging along, and that our vacation or travels will be taken with at least one kid always missing.
As Andrew gets older, most of our travels are also without him. Most of our adventures seem to be unwanted and the kids are mostly wanting to stay home and hang out in our awesome new neighborhood where they have lots of friends. This is a neighborhood that Adeline did love since my parents live here and she would have loved living closer to her friends and grandparents, but is a neighborhood that she will never get to live in. They are wanting to play in the pool that we have, a pool that Adeline would have loved that she will never get to swim in.
So many things in life are going well but I can't help but notice that there is a huge gaping hole that my little girl once filled. I remember a story book that I had originally bought for Althea that I often read to Adeline. The book was about why you are so important and why it was so wonderful to have a little girl. One of the lines that made me cry every single time that I read the book was along the lines of without you there would be a hole in my heart and that I simply could not go on. Did I always know? Did my soul have these feelings and did this bring up so many emotions because somewhere inside my me, I knew that I would lose a child?
I saw childhood pictures of myself that I had shared on Facebook when Adeline was littler, she looked so much like me. She was my mini for sure. Some days it hurts to look in the mirror and know that I will never know if she would have looked like me as an adult. Then I think about those facial progressions and I break. I don't want to think about her looking older and aging when I see her. This is so incredibly challenging when I think of Heaven. I can't imagine seeing my little girl for the first time and for her too ave grown up without me ever being a part of her growth process. Those thoughts are almost more than I can bear.
I've been digging into all of the things that I need done....job applications, finding positions to apply, finishing syllabi and reading lists for said syllabi for adjunct positions, etc. I am working on trying to get some additional positions and to be able to earn a stable income that will actually make things better off with us even with the increase of our bills with a second home for the kids to go to school and everything else.
I am hopeful that I am over the tsunami of grief that hit me recently. I am hopeful that I can continue to see the good things that were Adeline and find the signs that she shows regularly that she is with us. I am hopeful that I can find what I need to make the summer fun for the other kids. The past three days I did get into the pool which is a start and I did swim some even with so much other stuff going on. It felt good for my soul to be in the water and in the outdoor air. Tomorrow Andrew has agreed to go hiking with me so I get to enjoy one of my favorite activities. Plus, I get to celebrate nature and feel my connection to the sun and the Earth.
I have also been pouring myself into some of my volunteer roles and trying to get things squared away. I am happy that I have that to do as well. I am hoping to be able to take some time to do these things which makes me feel good as I am able to give back in some way. I also find that the distraction is good for the mind.
I got one room deep cleaned today (minus the floors as that is my plan for the week after I deep clean. It felt good. Next I need to start working on my room which is a multiple day project as I need to clean out the closet, get my school stuff sorted, get A's stuffed animals sorted, get my dressers all cleaned out and organized so that I can easily find thing and get a TON of laundry put away that I have been storing in my basement since I had lack of space. I think if I really evaluate what I wear vs what I don't wear that I will be able to better get things in order. I also hope to get all of the totes gone through in the coming weeks and months so I am going to have a goal of one tote per day. Then for Shane to get them put away in the attic so that I can function and have a house and garage that are as clutter free as possible. I know that these things take time especially with the mental and emotional aspects of going through things that were part of our life before the fire, but I aim hopeful that we will get them together and that things will start to work out for the better for me mentally. I know that I have some struggles but I also feel that it is okay to have the struggles that I have as they are things that are harder to control and aspects that I might not have previously had control over.
Life is moving on and I know that my days are limited. One day I will be reunited with my littlest love and I will get to hold her in my arms for a very long time. Until then I have three more amazing children here with me that need me and I have an amazing husband who holds me when I feel as though my heart is breaking in two. I need to be my best for them.
I interview for a 2nd teaching position, this one in 8th grade after not getting the position that I applied for at the high school. I also go my acceptance letter into my second MA program pending full time employment, this program to gain my teacher licensure. I am excited to see what the future holds, even though a future with Adeline as an angel is not the future that I would have ever wanted.