I feel as though my soul and my heart have been ripped apart. I miss the times that I had with my girl so much. This weekend, I was able to relax and have a good time and while I took my computer with me, I determined that it was best for me to focus on the moments on hand than to be focussed on the things that I cannot have.
I took Holly to the Wizard of Oz escape room and it was amazing! I had so much fun with her and the escape room was really cool, the floor even shook as the tornado went by and you got to walk down the yellow brick road. It was an amazing time. However, there was an air of sadness for me. I remembered that Adeline wanted to do an escape room so bad and that I told her that I would take her sometime this year after COVID had settled or maybe on our vacation if we could do it privately as a family. That time will never come for my Sweet Adeline. I lost her before I could do this with her.
I also shopped some and picked up a few goodies for myself and the other kids. It was so hard not to pick up goodies for my precious angel. I kept thinking about the things that Adeline would have loved and then I wanted to cry, but I was able to hold it together for the most part. I am so sad without my girl and I want to just stop living most days, but I am learning to try to live my life to the fullest. I mean, if my girl was alive she would have lived each day to its fullest and would have focussed on everything that she could do. That being said, with my little girl gone, how can I waste my days being sad and mourning or laying around in sorrow when my girl would have been giving it her all. I feel in some ways that the best tribute that I can give to Adeline is to live my life the way she would have lived hers, to not shy away from unique experiences, to not shy away from the things that scare me in life, but to just live each day as if it were going to be my last.
There are so many things that I wish that I would have said to Adeline. I wish that I would have told her that I would always be thinking of her, that we would always be in each other's hearts, and that we would always be together. I wish hat I would have expressed to her how much her love meant to me. I wish that I could still tell her all of those things while holding her in my arms. It feels so unfair some days. There are times when I want to know why God had to take my little girl, why I couldn't raise my baby as I had always dreamed to be an amazing adult, and why she was the one he had chosen when she had so much going for her in life. I want to scream, I want to throw up, but mostly I just want to curl into a ball and cry and sob my eyes out and beg for someone, anyone to please reunite me with her. I know that these things will not happen, but they are the strongest desire that I have ever felt. I have the strongest pull that I could have ever imagined when I think about having my precious girl back here and in my arms.
I know that I shouldn't focus on the things that were taken from me. I should focus on all of the amazing memories that I shared with my girl, but there are so many moments as a mom that I looked forward to and these things were taken from me for reasons that I don't think that I will ever understand. I just want my girl back and I want to hold her and cuddle her, feel the warmth of her body next to mine and the weight of her arms wrapped around my neck, all while hearing her tell me those sweet stories that always made me smile or laugh. Oh Adeline, mommy needs you so much and wants to have you back in my arms more than I have ever wanted anything.