There are some days when I am simply missing my girl. All that I want to do is to hold her and have her in my arms. I want to tell her that life is okay and tell her that I love her and hear her respond that she loves me too. I want to hear her call me "lady Gaga" because she thought that I was weird sometimes. These little moments are the most important things in the world and are something that I would give anything for.
I enjoy looking back at our memories each day and seeing how things are. Adeline loved to dance and she loved her dance family at CAPA. She loved the teachers and the new friends that she made. It is so hard going into dance each day. In fact, the other day I walked in to take something to the director and I saw a little girl sitting right in front of Adeline's cubby who was around her size and had the same color of hair as her. I saw her from behind and at first, at least for a moment, I forgot that she was gone and felt that familiar flutter in my heart that I always felt when I saw her. Then the little girl turned around and I realized the cruel reality that she is not there and that she won't ever be here again.
Adeline and I had so many adventures in her short nine years of life. Here she is painting pottery with me. I remember her painting this cute little Easter basket. It was so nice for her to be able to enjoy painting. I am so glad that I did things like this all of the time with the kids. I still have one of the pieces that Adeline painted. I have a Dumbo that I will be able to cherish forever. I am thankful that at least one piece of her pottery made it out of the house after the fire. My little girl had so much going for her. She was so talented. She was so smart. She was so wise beyond her years. She was everything that I have ever wanted to be in life and was the most amazing human that I have ever known. (And yes I would have told you these same things about her before she had passed, I always knew that there was something special and different about her.)
No one can prepare you to lose a child. No one can make losing a child better. There is nothing in the world that can make you feel better about your loss or make you feel as though you have your child back. I want her back in my arms with a passion that I have never felt. I know logically that this can never happen, but my heart does not seem to think with logic. My heart is searching and longing to have her back here with me and in my arms. My heart is the main thing that has been taken from me with her. I can't get all of my heart back and in a way I think that this is a natural protection.
(I know that I have shared this song, but in the end I will probably share it again. I had a tiny dancer shirt that had been made for Adeline under the tree in her Christmas clothing bag.)
I know that I am protected from this higher level of pain because of the things that I have been considering. I am so ready to find out why this had to happen to me. I keep thinking back to those moments in the fire. I have replayed the fire a million times in my head. Each and every day, I go through those last moments over and over and over and over and over again. I do this in hopes that time will turn back, that I can make different decisions, and that I am able to save my precious Adeline. I know that none of these things will ever happen and that my dreams of having her back will never come true. However, I can't stop hoping and wishing that they were true. I can't help but long for her to be here with me. I want her with me. I need her with me. I need to hold to hold her. I need to hug her. I need to pick her up and have her in my arms. I need what I will never have. Some days I want to live a long life with my other children and Shane, but other days I wish that my life was over and that I can be with my precious girl. I don't know what I have done wrong in this life to deserve this fate, but for whatever it is...I am so very sorry!