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Debilitating Sorrow

As I sit here tonight feeling the need to write again, I am certain that life has been quite cruel lately. I still can't believe that I have now had to keep living without my girl for 45 days. I don't want to live another day without her. I never wanted to live even a moment without her. All that I can think of wanting is her. I want to hear her voice, see her smile, and touch her. I need to hold her. I know that I can't, but that doesn't stop the heart from longing for those things.

I started this post yesterday. I wasn't able to finish it because the sorrow was so deep. Instead, I dedicated a few Facebook posts to my girl and called it a day. I let myself feel sorrow and sadness and let myself be okay with feeling those pains. Today is a new day. I know that Adeline would want for me to be happy, but it is so damn hard to feel happy without her here. She was the source of so much of my joy that without her, I simply do not know how to feel or what to do or how I can possibly go on. I just want my baby girl back.

So, I check my memories each day and last year this was the picture that I shared. It was from our trip to Memphis where we had an amazing time exploring the city and really just spending time together. I am so thankful that I traveled so much and spent so much time doing things like this with the kids. I am so thankful that I had the means to really help Adeline live a full and rich life since she was only here for a short nine years.

Today I am getting ready to head to St. Louis with my good friend Holly. I am excited to be getting a little mommy weekend away. I am hoping to shop a little, get a little outdoor/exercise time in, and then be able to enjoy the Wizard of Oz escape room. I just hope that I can keep my emotions in check. I know that my girl would have wanted me to have fun and continue to experience life. I feel even more forced to have incredible experiences without her here because I feel like I need to do all of the things that she would have done. I feel the desire to push myself beyond boundaries.

I just wish that I could turn back time, to a simpler time when I had two little girls to call my own. I will always have two little girls, one of them is just in Heaven now and I miss her terribly. I wish that she was here for me to enjoy life with just a little bit longer.

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