Adeline was love. The thing that I hear the most when I talk to those who knew her is how much they loved her, how loved they felt by her, and how much joy she brought in to their lives. This was so very true for those of us who knew her best as well. She was love. She was the kindest, funniest, and most loving child. She never made me feel like I needed to be different or that I wasn't enough. She never commented on my weight and I struggled her entire life and never really lost it. I am smaller now than I ever was after she was born. I am trying so hard to be healthy so that she can be proud of me.
Recently a new friend of mine, commented on how she wished that she would have known Adeline because she can feel her bright spirit from her pictures. That is certainly true. Adeline always shone. She was the brightest human I have ever known and her spirit was not only the strongest, but the kindest. I miss that so much to be honest. I miss having my person with me, that person who is always in your corner. That was my sweet Adeline.
I have been trying to make her proud. I know that she continues to be with me and I want her to see me trying and doing my best. I hope that is the thing that she sees! Recently, I became my typical keyboard warrior self. I had seen someone post in a community forum asking about a service (not a handout) and the person responded with a comment about growing up and working hard and earning the right to do what they wanted. At first I was livid, I have seen this man spouting hate and judgement since 2015 and the first Trump election. (Side note: this is what I hated about the Trump years in office and the years running, people suddenly felt that they could bring their hate out of the closet.)
I just can't stand his attitude. Not to mention his holier than though comments on everything, including people posting about how we should ultimately love one another first. What love? no way, we should be filled with anger and hate at everything. Anyways, so I commented. He replied back.
However, when I went to comment back, something told me to stop. What I was doing was being just as judging and unkind to him. So instead I stopped myself and told him that I am sorry that someone hurt him so much and that I hope that he could feel the love that I was sending his way.
He responded back with criticisms on the new generation (I am younger than him yes, but not so much younger that he can label me this way.) Instead of commenting back in anger. I simply said that he would not be okay with the things that he and his wife choose to do. His wife had been Althea's teacher in 2nd grade and had photographs of her and a 3rd grade teacher from the school wearing MAGA hats at Trump rallies and had a Trump doll on her desk. I thought that this was inappropriate and told him so.
The fall out that happened next resulted in his wife sending me messages about how great of a teacher she was. I just stated back to her that this was not the case for me and my family. In fact, if anyone had asked me before this altercation if my kids had ever had a bad teacher, she is the one and only teacher that I would have called out as bad. (That is not the point here though.) She continued hurling things my way and making accusations. She also tried to act like I was crazy and like these things were not in her classroom. I talked to my husband and he laughed because he clearly remembers these things being in the classroom and the things that Althea would come home from school saying about Trump. We even had friends who had a child in the class who also shared that her Trump propaganda made her uncomfortable.
I shared this with the teacher who responded that she was sorry that her like for Trump caused me to have a vendetta against her. Again, I don't care if you like Trump. I can dislike a politician and my best friend and can like them and we can still be friends. I don't think that we should have a single party running our government, you need checks and balances....but what you do not need is someone inciting violence and hate. Anyways, she then blocked me so that I could not respond.
I wanted to think things out and respond heartfelt to her. However, she did not allow that to happen.
Had I been able to, I would have said to her. There are many reasons why I do not think that you are a great teacher. One of the things that I will note is that when we had our house fire and lost our youngest daughter, every single teacher that my children had who was still employed in that district except this woman, reached out and offered my children love and support. Obviously, this is not something that I expected or something that I would have asked for, but it was something that was above and beyond their duties and something that we noticed as we felt like our children were so loved. It was a very touching and special thing for us if I am being honest, just one of the reasons that we will always hold a special place in our heart for the community where we once lived (and still live part time but that won't be forever!).
I would have told this teacher that if she has to keep trying to convince everyone that she is great, perhaps she should just focus on being great. I don't try to convince people anything about myself. I have faults. We all do. If you had called me out on a fault, even if I didn't agree with you, I would have listened and put thought and consideration into why this something that you felt. I would not have argued with you about how this is not true. There is no need to argue if you are not doing anything wrong. The sad thing is that this person and her husband have a long history of skeletons in their closet and yet they are the first to be posting judgements and rude comments about everyone else.
I know that calling them out or publicly shaming them would not be right. I know that this is not what would make Adeline proud. I believe that the thing that we all need to do is to make sure that moving forward we share the legacy that Adeline left...a legacy of love and kindness. We can create something wonderful for the people in the community to honor her. We just don't know what yet.
I don't want to be bitter. It is hard not to be bitter when you see mean hateful people having experiences and spending time with their children. You want to think why me? What did I ever do to deserve the loss of my child, a loss that is so painful and impactful that there will never be a day where I do not think about it? I want to know why. I need to know why, but I have come to realize that the why is not for me to know now. The why is for the future, for me to know when I cross that rainbow and am reunited with my littlest love.
Until then, I can sit in that bitterness and anger. I can hold so many feelings in my heart. I can be angry and I can be bitter. I am sure that if I had these feelings, which I have had in the past several years that people would not even blame me. In fact, those who know me best say that they understand. They know that the pain that I am going through is almost too much for me.
Or I can choose love and happiness. I don't think that I will ever experience true joy again. I know that this might seem really sad to some people but it is something that I am largely okay with. To be honest, the idea of experiencing joy without Adeline makes me sad. She was my joy and I don't want to have joy without her. However, I can be happy and I am often happy now. I think back on memories of our time together and I smile for those memories are so beautiful and they make me happy. Sometimes I am smiling through the tears, but I smile. When I choose love, when I choose to look at the fact that for people to. be cruel or awful, they must have had something in their past that made them this way, whether it be someone who did not teach them that judgement like this is wrong or they were treated awful, there has to be something.
I am going to try my hardest to continue to choose love. To continue to forgive when it is hard. To continue to release the anger and dislike that I have in my heart. I want to be a better person for my girl. I want to be the type of person who has not questions as to whether or not they will go to Heaven when they die.
Lately, I have really been struggling. I have been sick for the start of summer with some bladder and kidney issues which means no pool. I have had issues with my sciatic nerve so that I am in pain most of the time and anytime that I am moving. It has been so hard because when Adeline was here and I didn't feel well, I could count on at least one movie and lots of cuddles. I could count on her reading me stories and telling me jokes to make me laugh. I miss that. I don't have that now and that is okay. I don't expect my other kids to change who they are to try and make me happy after this significant loss. I just miss what she was. I miss who she was.
I also have a foreboding. It is quite terrifying when I had a foreboding before we lost her. I cannot live through another significant loss of a child, my partner, or my parents. I just can't do it yet. I need them all right now so much that it makes me feel bad, but it is something that I also want to be honest about. I need them. I have been dreaming of car accidents. In some of these dreams, I am in the car. I have been alone. I have been with Althea. In some of the dreams, I am watching the car crash. I am terrified of something happening but do not want to allow that terror to stop me from living.
So, if you pray, please pray for me. Please pray that I can keep being a better version of me, that I can keep being understanding and loving with others. I want to be the type of person that would make that wonderful little girl proud. I want her to be looking down on me saying, yay that is my mommy! I will never again be good, but I have learned that okay is good enough for me. I am okay. I am surviving. I am doing everything I can to make that little girl proud of me.
Adeline, know that mommy misses you so much and that she would give up everything if it meant that she could just be with you. I love you sweet girl and don't you ever forget that. One day I will hold you close in my arms again and I promise you that I am never going to let go!