I know that I am supposed to be strong for my other three children and my husband. I know that I need to be able to be happy sometimes and laugh sometimes. I know that I need to focus on the people who are around me that are still with me. However, today it all feels too hard. Everything feels like a challenge and I feel so broken. It feels like a challenge to get out of bed. It feels like too much of a hardship to just wake up. There are days when it feels like it has been an eternity since I have seen her smile or touched her or felt her kiss or heard her tell me that she loves me. Other days it feels like it was just moments ago. The reality is that it has been 42 days....6 weeks...and I still don't want for it to be true. I want it to be a mistake. I want it to be a bad dream. I want anything other than the hell that I am living in.
I got to celebrate one of my oldest and dearest's friend's birthdays last night. It was nice to get out of the house a bit. I decided not to drink because I don't know that I can control my emotions after having alcohol. I don't know that I could celebrate and be happy if I had anything that would impair my focus or make me feel anything other than in the moment. When I am in the moment, I can do well. I can't do well when I am not completely focussed on the moment at hand.
I have decided that Sundays are my day each week to be sad. Each Sunday marks one more week that I have been alive without my baby girl, one more week since I last heard her tell me she loved me and gave me a kiss. I need her back in my life. I need her here with me in person. I need to be able to hold her. I am not doing well. I am trying so hard, but I am failing. I am failing at keeping it together. I am failing to pretending to be happy when I feel so much sorrow. I am trying for the other kids, I want them to feel like enough to make me happy....but I don't know how to be better. I don't know how to make them feel secure and to tell them that they are loved completely. I know that they see the sorrow and pain that I have.
I try to think of happy times...but then I cry more because I want more of those times. I know that we need to focus on creating some happy memories with the kids. I know that we need to get out and do things, but I don't know how to make these plans, how to secure a future with travel or enjoyment without my Adeline.
So, as I sit here today in a funky mood, not feeling well...likely because my emotional baggage has become so heavy to carry and it is making me physically ill...I know that I need to keep going. I know that I need to get my act together and get back to the things that made me happy before. I just don't know when I am going to be ready to do all of this.
Please say prayers for me. Say a prayer that we can begin to understand the why. I don't understand why God took my precious little girl from me. When I see her friends in pain, I don't understand why God took her from her friends. Why would God take someone who has been such a light in the lives of those around her? I just need to be able to understand to move on. I have tried reasoning about it. I know that there has to be a reason, a purpose...but I can't begin to understand why.