Well, I am a mess these days. In fact, it seems as though the three month mark has been the ultimate heartbreak, the worst possible pain and a feeling that I can't seem to rise above no matter how hard I try. I am struggling to sleep, losing appetite but forcing myself to eat, and all around just struggling to try and reach within my soul past all of the hurt and pain that I am feeling.
Life should not be this way. No mother should have to go through the pain of losing a child. No sister should have to go through the pain of losing a sister or brother. No brother should have to go through the pain of losing a sister or brother. No grandparents should have to go through the pain of losing a grandchild. No cousin should have to go through the pain of losing a cousin. No aunt or uncle should have to go through the pain of losing a niece or nephew and yet here we are. While none of things should happen, here we are. We are here. We are struggling. We are sad. We have lost our own sparkle in our eyes.
Pushing on feels like work some days. With the upcoming Easter holiday I have really struggled. Shane and I went shopping for candy for the kids' Easter baskets and I could not buy a chocolate bunny for them. I literally could not fathom purchasing a chocolate bunny for three of my four children. So, instead I got them something else. I bought all of the stuff to color Easter eggs after Althea told me that she wanted to. The boys have said that they did not want to. I didn't want to but I am determined to create lasting memories with Althea. So, I got a variety of kits...different single egg projects, stuff to make chocolates that are unicorn shaped, stuff to make treats, and even am planning a really cool Easter cake with her. I am excited to be able to do some of the things that I used to enjoy with the kids...but also anxious at the things that I loved doing with Adeline too. Adeline was such a big part of these things with me and I simply can't get over the pain that I am feeling.
Each day there seems to be a new layer of pain and this is one of the hardest things for me to accept. I want to just have my life back to normal, to have my girl here with me, to have her lying beside me in bed, to have this all just to have been a bad nightmare. Some days I wish that I was really in a coma from the fire, that I was not here living without my girl, that everything that I have experienced these past three months, these past ninety six days was all just my brain and my imagination going in a terribly wrong direction of what could have been. Then I realize that this can't be, that this is my new reality, and I break. I can't take it anymore. I can't take the pain of living without my child. I can't handle the pressure of trying to make sure that my other kids know that they are enough, that they matter too and that I love them just as much as I love Adeline.
I don't know how to navigate all of the thoughts...the constant bombarding of thoughts. I don't want to fall into a bad trap but some days I just want to drink to make the thoughts stop. I want to do something to make them quiet for a few minutes, to just have a few moments of peace and silence....a peace and silence that I know will NEVER come. It is so much to deal with and so much to think about. There is so much going on and I am so overwhelmed by it all.
So, this is why I have been absent. I have been absent from here to try and sort through these things....to try and find the words to make these things that are my normal explainable. However, I realize that there is now way to explain this to anyone as unless you are a mother who has lost a child. You could never even begin to understand the pain that I am living with. So, you might see quite a few posts in the upcoming days. Posts to catch you all up on what we have been doing. Posts about the things that we are struggling through and posts about the life that we are attempting to live without our precious baby.