Well, let's be honest stress never stops in life, but after losing my precious angel it feels like the stress of normal life is too much. I am seeing my psychiatrist who explained some things and discussed some additional diagnoses today. It was eye opening and it felt justified as he is the first person to actually listen to me about some of the things that I have been dealing with most of my life. I struggle to manage normal life. I struggle to get things done. I was incapable of working, but just discovered today that I am going to have to go back to work before I finish my MS and to be frank and honest, I fear that I won't be able to finish. I just can't comprehend things like I did before. I feel so foggy and like my brain just isn't connecting most of the time.
Having to return to work is really hard for me. I tried working and to be honest, I can't find a position where I won't see children. When I see children with their families I start crying. I can't help it. I miss my little girl so much that no amount of drugs or medication is going to make it where I can see families happily doing mundane things without thinking about the tremendous loss that I am experiencing. I have applied for a number of online or work remote positions but most want full time employees and to be honest, I don't think that I am capable of full time employment at this time. I just don't think that I could do anything for that long with everything that I have going on around me.
I am trying to do everything and I am trying so hard, but it feels like I just can't get there. It feels like I can't manage to do the simplest tasks, so how in the world am I going to manage big ones. I feel so debilitated and so sad. I feel like nothing is right in the world and that nothing will ever be right again, and frankly it won't. I used to freelance and while I would be capable of joining a writing team and doing that again, I don't think that I can do it on my own. I just can't find work and all of that is just too much stress and pressure. It is too much to have to daily apply for and bid on jobs while also writing and getting other tasks completed. I used to be good at multi-tasking, now it feels as though I am not successful without just focusing on one task at a time.
I am struggling and while I don't often ask for them prayers would be good at this time. The pressure of trying to do so much, of trying to figure out so many things, and in trying to actually accomplish things is something that I have not been able to figure out. I am hopeful that at some point I will not feel this way, but I am so drugged to function that I don't feel like myself. I feel as though there is a block to many of my thoughts and that I do not process things the right way. I have to continually take more medications to function to. The one that helps me sleep since I wasn't staying asleep is doing it's job, but it makes me feel foggy and groggy all day long so I am on the maximum amount of Adderall that my psychiatrist is comfortable with and am taking it two times per day. I am also on an anti-depressant because I am depressed about these things. Having to be on medication every day is depressing to me. Then I have medication for when I am having a panic attack. I still use medical cannabis for my pain and to put me to sleep (the pills don't actually make me tired but they keep me asleep once I get there). I am a mess and literally taking pills to function and survive daily. This is no life to live, yet it is the only life that I can live.
I am trying to stay strong for the three children that remain here. Some days I really worry that just having me as a mom is going to mess them up. That I am somehow not doing this right or that I am not a good enough mom to them. I am trying even when it might feel like I am not to outsiders. I am working to do a number of ways that I can be supportive for the kids. I am doing an art journal with Huxley because he does not like to write. Althea and I regularly journal together and do other activities now that I am home educating her. I also do a weekly art project and take her to a co-op on Fridays. I am trying so hard. I just wish that there was a way to get these things in order so that I can get my life back on track. I need to finish school but just don't know how to accomplish studying and doing it. I am struggling with this because my attention, even with the Adderall seems all over the place....or when I do have the focus and attention, there is so much stress from everything happening in life that I just do not seem to retain information like I used to. I have to get on the ball and get going. I need to stop all non-essential activities until I get there but with life and one thing after another, it feels impossible, really hard and maddening all at the same time.
Please just pray that I can figure it out...that I can finish my MS because I literally have an essay and my Field of Study left. I don't know what to do if I don't finish because then all of the money and time going back to school will have been for nothing. I don't know that I can mentally handle not finishing, if that makes sense.