Some days I am flooded with worries and feelings of overwhelmed struggle. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, slowly crushing me from above. This is one of those days. I just can't help but want to hold my girl. I need her. She was my person, my cheerleader, the one who would come to me and make me smile, the one who would make me laugh, she was my everything. I just can't believe that she is gone. There is a part of me that feels like this is all a bad dream, that I woke up in a parallel universe where I survived and she did not. I feel crushed, angry and so very sad all at once.
I don't know what makes these feelings so strong. I feel like I failed her and like I am the worst mom on earth. I also feel like I am the worst human who doesn't deserve to be a mom to someone as amazing as my sweet Adeline. She was so perfect and here I sit so flawed. Why did God have to have her when he could have had me? I would have gone if you had just given me the choice. I would have let her live. I am trying to live for her, but it feels so wrong, like I am trying to force something that can't be forced. I am so full of sorrow and longing. I feel as though there is a part of me that is going to break, I just don't know what.
I feel as though I am constantly triggered. Today my trigger was a random post on Facebook that said to "Heal, because we have children who don't deserve the broken version of us."....This makes me so mad. Guess what? If my daughter hadn't been taken this version of me wouldn't have been broken. There are so many people out there who have done terrible things, etc. who are still walking around very alive and breathing. Why did my little girl have to be the one that was taken? I need her. Her daddy needs her. Her sister and her brothers need her. She needs us too. Why does this have to be my life? The worst possible thing that I could have ever imagined happened to me and I will never again be okay. Forever, I will just be surviving, broken in a place where no healing is possible.
Some days being a grieving mom just sucks. You want so bad to have something that makes it feel better, but there is nothing. No matter what level of happy you feel, you will always be forced to deal with the grave weight of having this struggle, this pain on top of you. Life will never be the same....there is no way to fix things and make it better. Life will forever, just be. I am filled with pain and sorrow and I feel very empty at this time, but I am going to get by. I just have to because the entire point of life is now finding a way to live that Adeline would be proud of that will give me the opportunity to be better so that I can be reunited with my littlest love and spend eternity holding her in my arms.