One month ago our lives were shattered. One month ago my heart was broken in ways that I could have never imagined. One month ago my Sweet Adeline went to be with Jesus and today I mourn that month that I have lived without her. I miss her so much! I miss everything about my precious girl and would give anything to have her sleeping in bed next to me right now. I know that she is with me but it will never be the same as when she was here on earth, living and breathing, talking and playing, hugging and kissing me. I will never again hear her sweet voice singing along to the radio, giggling with her friends, or telling me that she loves me in the same way. I know that she is here and I am forever grateful that I still have her presence with me...but I want her. I want her back so bad and yet that is the one thing that will never happen for me.
(Oh how different this first month of life was than this last month without you. My dear sweet girl, I miss you so much and while people have told me that the pain gets better. I will assure you and everyone else that this is a lie. It does not get better. Instead you adapt, you become better at being able to push down the emotions of sorrow and at being able to focus on the things in front of you instead of longing for the things that you are missing and have missed with your loved one who is gone. Losing a child is literally the hardest and most painful thing that I can imagine (aside from losing multiple children...which I hope is something that I will NEVER have to deal with). I don't even know how to explain to people the pain, the longing, the feelings that overtake you when you lose someone so precious to you.)
(6 years ago you referred to us as "2 Pretty Princesses"...these moments when we were together were some of the greatest moments that I have ever had. I am so thankful that I got to be your mommy and that I got to share in these amazing memories with you.)
There is nothing that can be said or done that will prepare you to lose a child. The pain that ripples through your heart and soul each and every moment is a pain that you can never imagine...it is a pain that you are protected from until you aren't. I don't think that the brain can comprehend such pain and keep on living until it has happened, which is why I do not think that you can ever prepare yourself or ever really begin to understand until you have lost a child yourself. That being said, there are many lessons that I have learned over the past month. There are many things about me that have changed and most of them are for the better.
(9 years ago, you thought that it was torture to be dressed in coordinating outfits with your sister....this past year, the two of you would often dress in coordinating/matching clothes and I loved seeing that special bond that the two of you were forming and how close you two became.)
Lessons Learned in My Month Without You, My Sweet Adeline
I have learned that there is no love greater than the love between a mother and a child.
I have learned how to overcome something that I would have never thought I could overcome.
I have learned to live without you here, to keep breathing, and to keep loving even though I can't share anymore precious moments with you.
I have learned that I can laugh without you, even though my laughter feels wrong.
I have learned that I have a strength (a strength that I believe you give me) that I never would have imagined that I would have.
I have learned that I am loved, and far more loved by a community than I would have ever believed.
I have learned about life's true meaning, that the most important things in life are the things that we can collect, but instead are the moments where we have gotten to spend time with our loved ones.
I have learned how to love others with a passion that I would have never seen before.
I now understand why someone would choose drugs to chase away the pain. It takes everything that I have not to daily drown my sorrows in alcohol or to make really bad choices to numb the pain that I feel.
I KNOW that Heaven is real and that Jesus will one day bring me home as well, I can't wait to see you.
I do not fear death, because in death there is more time with you.
I have learned that I can still be the mom you would have wanted me to be, even without you here for your sister and brothers.
I have learned to live each day as the last, to never go a night without telling someone how I feel about them.
I have learned to lean on others and not try to do everything myself.
I have learned that having you here, even if it is in an urn brings a comfort that I don't understand.
I have learned how to listen in the silence, how to really tune into you when you are around me and I feel your presence very strong and sometimes if I tune in hard enough, I can hear you talking to me.
I have learned that there will be nothing more beautiful in the entire world than that moment that I get to Heaven and you run to me yelling, I love you Lady Gaga (as that was your favorite nickname for me).
I have learned to fully appreciate my parents and your dad. I have learned truly what a wonderful man that your daddy is and how lucky I am to have someone who loves me so completely and is such a great man in my life.
I have learned little stories about you. I have learned how much you truly cared for others and their well-being and happiness with a maturity and grace that was well beyond your years.
I have learned that you possessed a wisdom that I probably will never have, but that I hope to mimic as I move forward. I have learned to listen for you to tell me that something is right.
As we have looked at homes, tried to think about building a life in our "forever" home, I have been leaning on you. Nothing has felt right and I know that when I find the right house that it is going to feel like home when I walk through out those doors. I believe with my soul that I should always wait until things feel right before I make a decision. My dear Sweet Adeline, mommy will always love you. I promise that there will not be a day where I will not say your name or a day where I will not think about you. You are the first thought on my mind when I wake up each morning and the last thought that I have before bed each night. I feel so broken and lost without you, but I am trying my best...I am trying for you because I want to be the mom that you were so proud of. I want to be the person that you would have dreamed of me being. I just hope that you are looking down on me and that you are proud of the things that I am doing. I am also going to do as much as I can in your name so that your legacy will always continue. I also promise that I will continue to be invested in your best friends and their lives and that I will think of them, occasionally send them little gifts and always remember how much you loved them and how special they were in your heart. I am sorry that this past year that we didn't have more sleepovers and playdates because of the pandemic...but I am thankful that we became so close as a family and that we shared so many amazing memories with your brothers, sister, and daddy. I am so thankful that I will forever have these memories in my heart and that I will forever be able to think of you and smile.