I am learning to do the unthinkable. I am learning to live. I am learning to live in a world where I don't feel that it will ever feel "right." I am learning to live in a place where I never thought that I would have to live. I am learning how to control myself in ways that I never knew that I could control myself. I have such restraint and strength in myself these days...but it is exhausting. I feel tired even when I have done nothing to feel tired about. I am always tired.
(I miss that face so much....I miss her more than I even knew that it was possible to miss someone. I can't stop sobbing and I don't want to. I never want it to hurt less because that means that there will be something different and I always want to feel her this close regardless of how long it has been. I just want her with me and I want to hold her in my arms again.)
It has been 98 days since I lost my angel. I still can't believe that my heart has kept on beating for 98 days after being completely broken. I am getting better about doing things with the kids. I am getting better about knowing my boundaries, knowing what I can and can't do. I went to a visitation yesterday for a friend. I remember taking a vacation with his family when I was teenager. I remember good moments of when we were all together as I was growing up. I hadn't seen him much in recent years as these were friends' of my parents, but remember all of the times that we had previously spent together and I am so appreciative that I was able to be there and support his wife whom I dearly love. That being said, I knew that I could not attend the funeral. I knew that I could not go through with hearing a service again so soon after having Adeline's.
I am learning how to do things that Adeline enjoyed with my other kids. I am waiting on a pool consultation at the moment. I am nervous about having a pool as I know that I will have constant thoughts of my girl. However, Althea, Huxley and Andrew also love to swim and I want them to enjoy their time at home. It will never be the same without Adeline, but I also can't quit doing everything that she enjoyed. There are a few things that I don't think that I will ever be able to do for the rest of my life. I will never again be able to go to McDonalds. I can't fathom smelling the fries or seeing the glass of coke when that was our thing together. I will admit that I had been bad about giving in and getting her fries way too frequently in her last days. I now am so happy that I did that. I will never again be able to buy sweet tarts or eat them. They have always been one of my favorites, but they were her favorite too. They were the last candy that I bought for her and I was buying her bags pretty frequently. I had just been thinking about how I was not going to be able to buy sweet tarts for her as often, but I figured that I would cut back after the holidays. I am so glad that I let her enjoy sweet tarts as often as she wanted in her last days. I will never again be able to go to Thai Thyme in Peoria as that was her last meal. I can't go to Chili's ever again as that was the last time that she and I had a dinner together alone. However, most other things I feel that I can do. I can handle doing things.
Shopping for Easter was hard. I went to get baskets and to be honest, I could not purchase baskets. I ended up buying the kids something else to fill (pictures will come after Sunday). I also struggled when filling their plastic eggs, but I still managed to do it with Shane's help. As for chocolate bunnies, there was no way that I could just buy three chocolate bunnies, so I did something else...something that we had never done with Adeline. That's the thing, I have to make new memories with my kids, but I don't have to make the same memories that are my last with Adeline new with my kids. I can make other memories with them.
I am dreading certain days that I used to look so forward to. Mother's Day and Father's Day will never again be the same. I can't even imagine what it would be like to actually have to be home during those times....so we will forever be taking trips on those weekends. Easter, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Halloween, 4th of July, and other small holidays will be easier and I will be able to remain at home. However, her birthday is going to be extremely challenging as is Christmas and the anniversary of her becoming an angel. I don't want this to be my real life. I don't want to have to live like this. I just want to wake up and have it all have been a bad dream, to have my baby here in my arms, next to me.
I have had something happen lately that I am slightly freaked out by. I have had these moments where I have thought for a second that my girl was in another room, that she was here in the house with us. Then it's like my brain catches up with my heart and I am immediately reminded that she is gone, that she is not here and that she will never be here again. These are the hardest moments that I have had to deal with. I am broken....broken mentally, broken spiritually, and heart broken. I don't know what else to say...I am struggling and just crossing my fingers that there will be some point in life where I can live again without these constant battles of my heart and my mind.