I Now Hate Mornings
Mornings used to be my favorite time of the day. It was a chance to start a new day, to share in new memories, and to really try and achieve the goals that I had in life....to be my best, to have a career later in life (after taking off years to raise babies), and to be the best wife and mommy that I could. I now hate mornings. Every morning is a reminder of the morning of the fire, that panic that I awoke with smelling smoke has become the fear that I awake with each and every morning. Every morning is a reminder that I am to continue on without my precious baby girl and that I have to pretend in a world where little seems right that things are going to be okay. I don't feel like they will ever be okay even if I continue to fight for my family, nothing can be right in a world without my Sweet Adeline.
Mornings are the time when I am alone in silence..when I strain to see if I can hear your voice, when I can sometimes tune into your presence. These are the things about mornings that I now love. The only thing that is good about mornings is being able to feel Adeline with me and knowing that she is here even if I cannot see her or hold her, the two things that I most long to do in the world and the two things that I will never again get to do while I am living.
This memory from Disneyland popped up today. I had taken Adeline to Disneyland for her 5th birthday. It was a magical experience and my first trip to California. I got a tattoo on that trip and she loved to point out her name in my tattoo. My mom and I decided kind of last minute to go on this magical adventure and take her to Disney to celebrate her 5th birthday. (We have since taken Althea to California for her 10th birthday and Andrew to Louisianna for his 16th. It has been magical each trip, but it's weird how I somehow knew that Adeline's trip needed to be first that these memories needed to be shared and experienced.)
So many people recently have told me that my faith is beautiful, that my faith is a sign of courage and strength. I don't think that people truly understand my faith. This is a faith that you really don't choose, it is a faith that you have because without it there is no promise of ever seeing your precious baby girl again. This is the faith that we can all have moving forward but having faith thrust upon you as the only choice to ever see that one person in the world that you long to see the most is a hard pill to swallow. I hope that I never lose my faith. I know that at times I am so angry, angry that God would take her from me, angry that God would give me a baby and then rip her from my life in the most tragic and awful way. I try not to be angry with God. I try not to be an angry person but when I am dealing with so much sadness and sorrow, there is nothing else for me to be.
We all live in a world that is tough to be a part of, a world that we all have dreamed of being a bigger part of, a better part of, someone who could actually make change. Adeline was that person. In her short 9 years of life she changed so many of the people in her life. She made me a better mom, a more patient, understanding, and caring mom. She made me a lot of whom I am today with her passion for others and her truly loving and kind heart. Each day when I wake up, I ask God to help me be more like her, to help me be a better person and to make me a stronger person for those around me. I struggle with so much in life and yet when I think of her presence and allow myself to feel her near me, I get a calm peacefulness that I can't even begin to explain. This is how I know that what I feel is my precious angel.
I remember singing this song with Adeline. I remember giving her a kiss each and every morning of her life that I was with her and giving her a kiss as soon as I saw her when she stayed anywhere else. I never didn't shower her with love and affection, even though I am not an affectionate person. She made me share these moments with a force that I don't know where it came from. She made me into the person that strives to be better, that tries to be their best, and that truly wishes to love others. She made me better. I can't wait until I wake up in Heaven and get to kiss my angel each and every morning.