The next 35 days are going to be some of the hardest days for me since I lost my littlest love. I am really struggling mentally and I am trying not to break down but I keep failing. As soon as I am alone, it is huge waves of sorrow that seem to be drowning me. I can't believe that this is my life...that I have been forced to live 331 days without the love of my life...my best friend, my littlest love who meant so much to all of us. I feel sick when I think that I have been 331 days without her. How? How have I made this far? How have the days passed by this fast?
(I miss being able to buy the three of us matching or coordinating pieces. I miss being able to share those amazing memories with my girls and being able to live the life that I once lived and took for granted.)
I am struggling knowing that so many of the 1sts are coming up and then all of the 1sts will be over. When Christmas rolls around, it will be our 2nd Christmas without her and the start of our 2nd year without her. I can't even fathom that we have almost been an entire year without being able to hold, hug and kiss my little girl. I will never forget those last words that she said to me. "Mommy I love you so much! You are the best mommy ever." or my reply "Adeline, you are the very best little girl in the entire world!" If I close my eyes tight enough I can still feel her hands on my cheeks as she gave me that last kiss...the very last kiss that I will ever have from my baby.
I remember when we first lost her, I felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to die with her. I wanted to be with her so that she would not be alone. She has people in Heaven to watch over her, but they are not people that she knew and got to spend time with on Earth. We haven't had many losses in her lifetime and those that we did have were relatives that she had only been around a handful of times.
(Lately I have been flooded with memories of what was. This was the first time that she was coloring! I miss these types of things with her. We always did art projects and crafts together and it was always so much fun!)
Next week we will have our last 1st family birthday without her on Shane's birthday which is Tuesday November 23. Then we will have our last 1st holiday without her on Thursday November 25 with Thanksgiving. I will forever cherish our special COVID thanksgiving where we got to spend our entire day just being the six of us. We played Family Cards Against Humanity and had a really good time together. We had so much fun! I am so thankful that we had that. I just wish that we could have that again. That we could go back in time and that I could foresee what was to come and make the necessary changes to save my littlest love.
The week after Thanksgiving will be equally rough. Althea will perform in the Nutcracker and we will celebrate Adeline's first birthday in Heaven. How could I ever be ready for that? Not only is December 5 our first birthday of hers without her and the birthday the she was so excited for because she wanted to be "two numbers" so bad, but it is also the 15th angelversary for my father-in-law. I met my husband just a few short months after he had lost his father and although I never met him, I am certain that this is the man who is taking care of my baby until I can get to Heaven and be with her too.
(The one, and only, year that I put up my tree before Thanksgiving.)
I want to be able to celebrate my girl. She was so amazing, but I feel like no celebration can be enough. Her school planted a beautiful tree that will have pink flowers in the spring for her memorial there. I was honored but am still sad that any of this has to be done. We finally ordered her memorial bench for the school. It was one of the hardest things that I have done and I am ashamed that it took me so long to order it. I wanted it to be perfect, but I could not decide how to do that....nothing seemed good enough, so at this point...it simply is what it is. I am sure that she will love it. Althea helped me pick out the colors since they didn't have pink or tie dye.
(A very simple memory of when the world was right. I sure do miss those little moments when all four of my kiddos were together and we got to share in so many fun days and memories together. I miss us. I miss my family like it was. I miss this little angel that was the perfect puzzle piece to our family puzzle. Now our family will never again feel complete.)
Please if you are the praying type, say a prayer for us. If you're not the praying type, we could use all of the love and strength that you can muster at this time because we don't know what we are doing or how to do this all either.I keep trying to be strong, but I feel like I am failing on pretty much every single level.