This morning the weight of not having my baby here to hold is hitting me extra hard. It has been a morning where I feel the weight of my loss and where I am mourning at a new level. I am working on finding secure and stable goals for myself and in being able to function better on a daily basis. There are some things that I need to do and I have to stop pushing everything off for "tomorrow" or "next week." I need to be accountable even though the only thing I want in life is the one thing that I will never have.
There is a part of me that wonders if my mind always knew that Adeline was different and that she would not be here as long as my other children. I am haunted by the fact that I was a different mom with her. I know that I have said this before, but I continue to struggle with knowing what to do, where to be, who I am without my littlest love by my side. I struggle with the simplest things like going to the grocery store and these things have impacted my entire life. I need to be better and to come to a place where I can offer something more to the other kids and Shane, but for now I feel stuck in a position of deep sorrow and longing while the world around me seems to be moving. The world is still going and it should have stopped when she was gone. The world should have ended without her. It didn't and now I don't know what to do.
I came across this picture this morning. I am holding Adeline for her nap. I remember these years. I felt overwhelmed but with Adeline I always stopped and took the time. I didn't yell and make her lay down by herself like I did with the other kids. I never could get angry with her or yell at her. She was really never in trouble. My other kids used to say that she was favored or the favorite but in hindsight it is like my soul knew that she would not be here as long as I had an urgency to do things different and to be the very best version of me that I could be with her. I just wish that she was still here with me. I wish that I could cuddle her or simply just hold her hand. I will never forget the way that her tiny hands felt on my face in those last moments, when she told me that I was the best mom ever and that she loved me. I miss her so much. I hate that I didn't save her. I will never forgive myself for not being able to get her out of that house. I will always long for a redo, even though I know that a redo can never come. As I look around my home, at the world that we have created since losing our girl, I feel so many things. I feel a heaviness and a sorrow that I will forever have. I feel sad and angry all at the same time. I feel all of the emotions but don't know how to express them or let them out because they are so big. So, I carry them.
Today we shop for Easter prizes for a local egg hunt. We are looking for prizes as a way of honoring Adeline and we are so happy to be able to bless others in this way for her. We know that our girl had a big heart and that she always thought of others. It helps us to be able to give back at some level and in some way. We also decorate eggs for the second year without her. It feels wrong decorating them, but it also feels wrong to not decorate them with the kids because they still enjoy doing so. I will never forget what it was like to have that beautiful and perfect COVID Easter. We got to celebrate and we got to spend out time together, even if it was just our little family. The hustle and bustle of the holidays stopped for one year for us to be able to focus on the things that were important, our family.
I just wish that I could turn back time to those days of COVID, to that time where we were all together, to the laughter as we played games or created art and did things that we had never had the time to do before. I want to have my girl here with me and I want to have that time with her. I now only get to see her in my dreams when she visits me. On the outside I might be strong, but inside I am so very weak. I am broken and continue to feel my soul shatter into smaller and smaller pieces. I feel hollow and empty and like life has been taken from me while forcing me to continue to live. I want the pain to stop but it will never stop since she can't come back. I want the pain to last until I take my last breath because that is how important she is to me. She is worth every bit of pain and sorrow that I feel, but I really miss living in a world where I did not feel this pain or sorrow. I miss the life that I once had, the life where she was here alive beside me.
I believe that I am struggling so much now because spring and Easter are a time of renewal of new life and the celebration of what is to come. I don't want to celebrate. I can't celebrate without my girl. I don't want to have a new life. I want to live the life that I once lived. I just want my old life back with all of its problems and stresses. Today I live a life with few of the problems and stresses that I once had, yet the problems that I do have are so much bigger. I wish that I could go back and just enjoy life more and not worry about the things that I used to worry about. I would rather have those things any day than to be living with the pain of not having my little girl here with me.
Setting Goals, Holding Me Accountable
So, I have some big goals for myself. I have some things that I want to do in order to work on me and to improve who I am as a human being. There are some things that have to happen. These are my goals for the coming month.
Goal 1 -- Finish School Work
My first goal is pretty simple. I need to finish my school before I can move on to most of the other goals on the list. Today I will finish my second rewrite and then I have one paper for my FOS, my FOS, and a final paper for another class. I can and will get done. I am there and I will make this work. I will accomplish at least these three things. Whether I pass my FOS exam is another thing. I am struggling with being able to process thought in the way that is needed for that exam due to the trauma impact on my brain. It is okay if I do not pass as I am giving it my all and that is the best that I can do.
Goal 2 -- Eat Healthier
I feel icky lately. I know that it is because for 15 months I have not focussed on eating healthy or on nutrition. Even though I was a bigger girl and carried extra weight for years, I did focus on healthy meals and eating better. (I tended to eat too much and had too many snacks.) I have worked to create a system with the new job and our new schedule (which is intense to say the least) that would allow for me to create delicious healthy meals. So, I bought meal prep containers and am going to work on making my breakfasts and lunches on Sundays so that I have healthier meals ready to go. I am also loosely working on a menu that will give us healthy meals throughout the week. They're not perfect...nothing ever is, but they are decently healthy and mostly preservative free.
Goal 3 -- Diet and Exercise
So, this has to wait until after I am finished with my school work that is listed above. While I would love to spend time making myself feel more comfortable in my own skin now, I know that I do not have the time to spare and adding something to my plate would not put me in a good state of mind. That being said, as soon as my MS work is complete, I will be working on creating a diet and exercise plan that is sustainable and will work for me. I am going to start with calorie counting and will continue with creating a workout routine that I can accomplish and enjoy. My workouts will be hiking/trail walking and yoga.
Goal 4 -- Finish Yoga Teacher Certification
My next goal is to finish step 1 in my yoga teacher certification. Then I would like to take additional certificate programs and finishing step 2 in the teacher training so that I have the full 500 hours. I am eager to see where this leads me. I eventually think that being a yoga therapist could be highly beneficial to my own healing as well as how I help others to heal.
Goal 5 -- Get a 1-Year Yoga Pass and Register for Classes that Will Fit My Schedule
My schedule has always been intense. I have always used that as an excuse. Once I am finished with my MS training, my schedule will drastically decrease and things will change and become easier. I am making myself get a yoga pass for Soulside Healing Arts in Peoria and I am registering for classes so that my money is well spent.
There are other goals that I have but these are the big ones. I need to focus on being a better version of me, a healthier and happier version and one that really focuses on what is good for me rather than what I want. I want to be able to be healthy and to have a great life with my family. If I continue on the pathway that I am on, I am going to end up not being healthy or not enjoying life with a body that hurts too bad to be active. I can't let myself become that or I will have no reason to push through the bad days. I need the things that I love (hiking, yoga) in my life to be able to be a better me and to be able to handle the stress and pain of my loss.