Saturdays mark the last time that we did something fun together. I wonder, even though it has just been three weeks, if I will ever be able to find joy on a Saturday again. We had so much that last night together. It is one of the few nights my life that I don't regret. My only regret is that I did not climb in that backseat with you and savor every face you made, every smile, every time that your eyes lit up, and every tiny giggle that you had. I miss you so much and I want you to know that there can never be a moment where you are not on my mind.
(I know that I have shared this picture before, but that joy, that beautiful smile is what I needed to see today and that is why I chose this picture to showcase how stunningly beautiful my little girl is. I wish like anything that she didn't have to be forever 9.)
Saturdays have become intense emotional days knowing that on Sunday it will be another full week that has passed since you have been here. I don't know how to share all of the memories that we had on Saturdays. I don't know how to fake it until I make it on Saturdays. I don't know how to hide the tears in my eyes when I want so desperately to be with you and have you as my own, to hold you in my arms, to stroke your messy hair, to hear that sweet raspy voice, or to see that beautiful smile and sparking eyes. Oh sweet Adeline, I still don't understand why and while most days I can rationalize losing you, on Saturdays it seems that I can think of nothing but the pain that I am feeling.
If you see me on a weekend and I don't seem like I am doing well, please pray for me. If you see me on the weekend and I don't feel like talking, please don't be offended. If you see me on a weekend and I act like I don't know you, please know that I am just trying to get through whatever task I have been challenged with completing without breaking down. Please do not take offense if I seem like a different person on the weekends. You see, every Saturday for Shane and I is the realization that we will never have another Saturday night like we once did. We will never get to see that joy and beauty in our precious little girl's eyes again on Earth. We will never again hear her stories, listen to her singing along with the radio and me, or be able to take her for a dinner out and enjoy our time together. Saturdays are not the happy day that we once looked forward to as a family day where we all got to do something special to enjoy each other. Saturdays mark a day that is filled with so much happiness and so much sorrow. These are the days that we both wake up and cry. These are the days that we hold each other and wonder why. These are the days that we mourn and beg that God would give her back to us. These are the most painful days that we can imagine, so if we don't seem like us...remember that these are the bad days for us and then say a little prayer for us.
I never could have anticipated or expected that Adeline would pass over that rainbow bridge. As my youngest and at just nine years old, I just always thought that she would be here with me. I always thought that she would be the one that would be with me until I reached old age that she would be my child that would spend her time coming back to visit and would be the one that would do the things for me that I needed help with as I aged. I always thought that she would be with me, but she's not. I know that she is with me in spirit and she gives me little signs of comfort and little magical moments all of the time, but it is not the same as getting to hold my baby and tell her that I love her.Nothing could ever be the same with that. I need my sweet girl and I need her here now but that can never happen again.
I'm going to leave a happy song on this post because it is a song that Adeline loved and a song that we typically sang together while we were on the road driving somewhere, especially on our Saturdays. I can still see her little fingers moving as she sang "I got some money cause I just got paid." I can hear the giggle when she sang "Instead of being my deliverance, she had a strange resemblance to a cat named Frankenstein." I miss you, my sweet Adeline, with a longing and a desire that I have never felt before. Your daddy misses you with the same longing and desire and at moments the two of us are so broken that we don't know how we can continued, how we can push ourselves to get through the days, but we feel you guiding us. We feel you pushing us and we both. are determined to live the life that would make you proud. I often stop and think, What Would Adeline Do? as I moving through my days and it always makes me a better person. It always makes me choose to be the best me.