You Will Always Be My Funny Valentine
Today was another holiday without my precious girl, but even worse it was a holiday that fell on a Sunday. It was 8 weeks ago from today that I lost my precious angel. It has been 56 days that I have had to keep on living without her here. I still can't fathom the pain that I am feeling and the immense sorrow that fills my soul. I don't know how to discuss or begin to understand the feelings that I am having. The roller coaster is a lot to handle. I will do really well and then something will trigger an overwhelming sorrow and I just do not know what to do.
Adeline was my sweet, silly, and all around funny girl. She was always cracking jokes and she made everyone around her laugh and smile. She loved being the light in the room and she was the brightest light that I have ever been around. Last year Adeline did something different and made her Valentine's box with Shane. I had made all of the Valentine boxes with the kids over the years and occasionally Shane would help with some details, but last year Adeline wanted to make her box with her daddy. It was such a sweet and special memory and I know that Shane cherishes it since he wasn't the one who typically did the boxes with them. There was something about this last year with Adeline where she seemingly did things with both Shane and I that she would have typically done with the other. This left us with some really sweet and special final memories.
Today was another challenge. I decided that the best thing that I could do was to focus on other things. I allowed Althea to have a sleepover with four of her best friends last night. It was amazing. There was so much laughter and so many giggles in our house. It was nice to hear those sounds again as typically days and nights in the house are very quiet. Our house is not unhappy, we are just sad and mourning the loss of our baby/sister. After the girls went home, I took Huxley for a short trip to Costco and then I came home and made dinner for my family as well as my aunt and uncle and their grandkids, my other uncle, my grandma, my parents, and my brother. Having everyone over during this time helped. It was nice to be able to have a meal together and to have everyone in my home. It was nice to see kids playing and to have everyone here together.
For gifts this year, Shane picked out some candy for each of the kids and then I had picked out a blanket and framed three pictures for their rooms. I wanted them to have some memories to display in their rooms and I wanted for them to have something that would make them smile. I also purchased blankets for each of them that glow in the dark, red with deer (one of A's favorite things) for the boys and pink with unicorns for Althea. I know that Adeline would have loved these blankets and there was a part of me that wanted them to have something that she would have enjoyed so much.
I can't get over the fact that I didn't get to buy a Valentine for her, that my funny Valentine is no longer with me. I want her here. I want to hold her and cuddle her and to wake up from the nightmare that has become my life. I just want to feel like I can breathe completely without feeling the stifling sadness and sorrow that make me feel as though I can no longer breathe. I need to have my sweet angel here with me and I want to have her holding me and snuggling up next to me. I want to do all of the simple things in life that we enjoyed so much together, walking through the woods or playing a board game. I just want my life back. I want to go back in time, make another choice and save my baby girl from the fire that took her life. I want her here with me. I need her here with me. I need her here next to me. I need to hold her. I know that I can't and I know that I won't again on earth and that is killing me on the inside in ways far more damaging than disease ever could be.
A year ago yesterday we were making a craft together. We were making a Valentine unicorn dream catcher and she did such a beautiful job. I always loved doing crafts with her. I loved being able to see her accomplish something and create something that was always cute and fun. I also loved that she enjoyed creating so much. She was the most creative and free spirited person that I have ever met. She was one of the best people that I will ever meet. I know that I will not be lucky enough for another person like Adeline to come into my life. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing people here but she was one of a kind and truly the most amazing soul.
As I sit here on a holiday that is focussed on love, I think about my love for my girl. I think about how when I was pregnant at first I was terrified. I think about how I could not fathom having three babies who were three and under. I had so much fear that I could not give them all enough attention, but those fears quickly subsided after Adeline was born. She was the most loving infant and the easiest child I have ever met. She was instantly loved by everyone who met her and she was a great friend, daughter, granddaughter, student, and sister. She was the best person for each of these roles because her heart was so big and she loved so completely and fully. She also NEVER judged anyone and that is something that is special in its own accord.
I got a surprise this week from a few of my concert friends. I received this amazing and beautiful bag with a patch that was created for my girl. It is so beautiful that I told Shane that I am almost afraid to use it. I also got the beautiful bracelet and know that I will be wearing it in the future. Then we got another surprise box (sorry friend, I forgot to take pics because the gift was so generous and I was crying as I unpacked each thing you sent to me) with a bunch of goodies for the whole family. Althea got a t-shirt, purse, and some stones. Huxley received a t-shirt and some stones. Andrew got a bandana, a pouch, and some stones. I got a headband, t-shirt, mask, a couple of pieces of jewelry, a beautiful heart shaped rose quartz, another pouch and Shane got a hoodie and mask. I also have been receiving some beautiful prints for our walls...which will be amazing in the future when we have our forever home. The outpouring of love from these wonderful humans that we met by going to concerts to see our favorite bands has been something that we could have never imagined would happen.
Shane and I got to exchange gifts this year too. I got Shane a 5TB hard drive to go with his MacBook and filled it with all of the pics that we have been sent from friends and family. I also took all of his siblings' and friends' old pictures and created him his own album. This way he was able to replace some of the pictures that he had of friends that had all been lost in the fire. Shane got me the most beautiful book of pictures of Adeline. He also got me this beautiful rose that has LED lights and is in a jar...it's like the hippie version of the beauty and the beast rose. I love everything so much! I am so thankful for his love during these painful months. He has been my rock and I am thankful that he has been doing all of these things for me. I hope that he is always by my side and that I get to spend every Valentine's Day for the rest of my life with him by my side.
So, while I am heart broken that my girl is not here, I was able to think about the things that needed to be done. This helped me to be sure that I would have a day that I could bear. I kept busy and it helped me to not be as sad as I would have been if I were forced to deal with idle time. I miss everything about my girl...from her giggles and laughter to her smiles, hugs and kisses. I miss the way that she would hold my hand as we walked across a parking lot or through a store, the way that she would run to hug me after she had not seen me for an hour, the way that she got so excited when I would visit her at school to either volunteer in her classroom or to bring her lunch. I miss literally every single moment that I have to live without her. I miss out on the life that she should have lived. I miss out on the family that I believe that I should have had. I miss everything so very much and yet I know that these are all things that I cannot change. It is as if my heart and my head are in a constant war against one another, but I also understand that this is a battle that will never be won. I just want to erase the day of the fire. I want to leave town and take the kids somewhere for the weekend. I want to protect my girl and carry her down those stairs. I want to do anything else that would have changed the future that I now have, a future without my funny Valentine.