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  • awalto29

Turn, Turn, Turn

Today the song Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds has been on repeat in my head. I am feeling so connected and grounded lately which is not something that I have experienced since we lost Adeline. I am going to be really honest, I am not okay, I have batteld many many many angry days this year. I have turned from everything that helps me and everything that works towards healing myself because I want to be in pain. I want to hurt, I want everyone around me to hurt too because she isn't here and that is just how dark my world feels without her.

When I think about the very person that Adeline was I know that this is not who she would want me to be and then I am so mad at myself for not being better.

I am in a headspace that is not good but that is because I am not using the very tools that I know are what is needed. Last year, I was in a better place, I was journaling everyday, regularly posting on the blog, getting back into yoga and really working on my health, abstaining a year from alcohol, eating vegan, and then it was like I actually started to feel better and feel some peace and I got scared. I ran from those comfortable spaces, seeking out the places that I feel discomfort. I've always known myself to self-sabotauge but I never realized how deep this was until this past week.

Recently I was hurt pretty badly by a situation, it is a situation whereI was hurt. Normally when I feel those feelings, I push them away and I just get angry. I write people off, quit talking to them, and pretty much give up any contact until they quit trying to contact me. It is not that I don't like them or have any issues with them, but instead, it is that I know that I am vulnerable and that they can hurt me and I would rather not be hurt, so I run away.

Well, this friendship means more than that to me. This person has been by my side through my darkest days and was always a huge source of light and love to me. So, feeling pain from someone that I really do love like family is something that I do not want to give up easily. I have never been one to let people even begin to get that close to me. I worked hard to control my emotions so that few ever saw me cry or be sad, no matter how much my heart was breaking on the inside, but something in me broke when Adeline died and I just could not keep up that cover, I did not have the energy or the emotional bandwidth to do so.

I just have to realize that perhaps in this season of life, I might not be good for everyone that I care about. I might have some issues that are too big for them to be around. I do want people to just tell me that. Be honest with me and tell me. I have always been honest with people. Some days when I have been in a very dark space, I know that I cannot be the friend that I need to be. I have probably pulled awayw because this year has been the darkest year since we lost her. In many ways, it has been the hardest year. I don't really understand it and I don't know why this year has been so difficult. It was not a traditional milestone birthday, it was not a traditional milestone school year, it was just basic and average...but perhaps that is what is really the hardest, the average and the mundane without her here.

I also have watched two very close friends, one whom I reconnected with that lost her child (who I actually used to babysit during church groups) and one who lost her neice (who I was lucky enough to watch grow into a beautiful young woman and momma). I think that parts of me are jealous of both of them. They got to watch their babies graduate from high school and become adults. Then I know that it would not matter, that no matter when you lose a child you are not ready, but I would have given anything for just a few more years with her...9 years and 15 days or 3,303 days simply was not long enough.

So, what does all of this mean moving forward....well, I guess that I am going to be writing some posts on here a bit more frequently. I am going to try to do things a bit differently than I have before as well. I want to share the feelings that I have associated with her grief whlie I am attending different events and experiencing life. l also want to share my favorite stories, even if I share the same story 1000 times, because the stories that I have are all of the stories that I will ever have. I only have stories for 3,303 days and I have alreay been forced to live 1,255 days without her. That's right, I have almost lived 1/2 of her life since she has been gone. I am so very heartbroken to think about the fact that I will have to live so long after losing her, but I also don't want to leave this earth until tlhe last posisble moment because I have three amazing humans that I want to watch grow just as badly as I wanted to watch her grow.

I feel like I have not been as present as I should be in the lives of those around me. I feel like I have not been present in life much at all, but I know how to change these things and it starts with routines. For me the magical formula is:

*staying on top of hydration and nutrition

*taking my ADHD meds and using anxiety meds when my anxiety is bad

*staying on top of pain natural meds

*taking supplements (collagen, adaptogens, pre-/pro-biotics, lemon balm)

*juice cleanses

*regular massage


*regular blogging



*working out

*being more physically active

So, for the 100th time since I lost my girl, and probably there will be 1000 more times because I keep failing at how to do this and how to live this life, I just never realized that existing could be so damned painful (and I have been through some shit in my life and been in some very dark places and nothing ever could have compred to this).....I am going to try again, to do a reset and to truly work on getting to the space that I need to be creating organized and neat spaces, and getting my life back on track. I don't have to be where I am and if I work hard, getting where I need to be won't feel so impossible.

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