So, here I am alone and actually sitting here wondering what to do. I know that it is not healthy to sit and cry and think about all of the things that I am missing out on. I know that this is not what is the in my best interest or the best interest of anyone around me. Life is so hard and everything around me feels like it is spinning out of control. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to do things that I did before. I just want to sit and think about you. I want to sit and cry and wish that I could hold you close to me and feel your sweet little arms wrapped around me. Each time that I am in a parking lot, I want to hold your little hand and feel you. I want to kiss you before bed and each morning when you wake up and hear you tell me that you love me. You were such a big part of my world and without you, the world just doesn't feel the same.
(Seven years ago today we celebrated you being potty trained, a milestone in your life and such a big accomplishment for such a little girl. I was so proud of you your entire life but this was one of the things that I was most proud of, how great of a little girl you and how determined you were to do everything the right way.)
This morning daddy and I went and got breakfast. It was nice to do something that we had always enjoyed. Being in the house just feels so quiet when the other kids are gone. It is so hard to be around here a loan when normally you would have been the one with me, playing games, sitting together watching a movie, or just talking and coloring. I miss every single one of those things that I did with you. I miss it so much that I feel like my heart is breaking and like I am literally dying inside.
I know that one day we will be together again and I cannot wait for that day to come. I cannot wait to give you the longest hug and to take you into my arms. You are the beautiful soul and feeling your presence helps but I am still so sad that I don't get to do the mom things with you. Your best friends' moms tell me that I can do those things with their little girls if I want. While I think that this will help some, I know that this will also hurt but I know that you would want us to remain close to the people who were the most important to you.
I have found that the best way for me to keep my sanity and to feel at peace is by staying busy, so I clean and do things around the house. I work on homework and reading. I do so much just to maintain that type of presence that is needed and to be sure that I don't feel sad all of the time. I have just found that idle time is my sad time. So, keeping myself busy and avoiding idle time is the thing that helps the most.