As I sit here, moving our things into the house that we will rent and the first home that we will make without you live here. I am staying alone at the rental tonight and it is nice to have some time to sit in the quiet. I like to imagine that you are here with me and what you would be doing. I know that you would be sitting right next to me...either watching TV with me or with your headphones on so that you could watch your own show. I plan on doing some homework if I wake up early and no one else is here yet. I miss you so much my sweet girl. It is going to be so weird to live in a house where you are not and to be in a place that you will never live. This is 100% the worst that I have ever felt in my life.
I am struggling with some tooth pain and extra emotional today but I am doing okay. I just miss you. I miss seeing your smile. I miss your laugh so much! I miss feeling you touch me and having you in my arms. I will never get over these feelings although I do know that I will learn how to adapt to these and that I will be able to do things that I have never felt like I could do. I am here now and I am working to be able to get where I need to be. I am hopeful that I will continue to feel your presence and that this will help me to keep going and to keep trying to be my best.
Each day there are new challenges. If I don't cry very often, I feel bad as though I am not mourning my loss enough. If I cry too much and have too many struggles, I feel bad that I am crying all of the time and that I can't be happier for the other three kids. It's a constant struggle and I feel so broken. I want to be better for them. I want to be the mom that you were proud of. I want to be the mom that you loved with all of your heart. I want to be the person that you would want me to be. I just don't know how yet. I am going to have to learn how to be me within this new normal and for that I know that I am going to need time. Well my Sweet Adeline. I am worn out, sad that I didn't have a way to write this morning with everything going on, and so ready to curl up in bed and dream of you. I hope that you visit me in my dreams tonight. I need to see you and hear your voice.