The Depth of Pain Never Ends and Only Seems to Grow
Adeline was such a light in our world. She made each day fun. She made each day interesting. She gave us all a new outlook on life and was never ashamed to be herself, no matter how quirky she was. She was the very type of person that you can't help but fall in love with. Lately I have forgotten to carry on that joy, to move forward with the purpose of attempting to make others happy.
There are days now that I don't want to get out of bed. That waking up in the morning is the most painful experience and leaves me wanting to cry out and beg for something....anything to be different. There are moments when I can't fathom actually functioning, when I can't imagine how I am going to carry on throughout the day. These are the moments when I feel so overwhelmed and so sad. These are the worst moments for me.
There are so many things that people can never understand about losing a child. The biggest of these that the depth of pain is so much deeper, hurts so much worse, and literally never ends. I am NEVER going to be better. I will NEVER not have these feelings. The difference is that in a few years, I will be able to handle them better. How I feel is not going to go away and this is the scariest thing in the world right now. To know that I am always going to wake up and carry this sorrow.
I am realizing that I have been in shock for months. There are moments when it hits me like a rush and I still can't believe that this is my life. There are other moments where it feels like an eternity since I have been able to hold my baby girl, an eternity since she has been in my arms, an eternity since she gave me that last kiss, an eternity since I have heard her voice or her laughter. Those days are the hardest days. Those days are the days where I want so bad to just wake up from this nightmare and have her here with me.
There are things that I worry about when it comes to the future. How long will my friends still love me when I am destined to carry around this sadness for eternity? How long will people want to be around me when I refuse to give up talking about my precious angel and who she was? At some point all of the stories that I share will be repeats as there is going to be a point where she will have been gone longer than she was here with me. Those feelings overwhelm my soul. How can I survive living without her for longer than I was able to live with her?
I also notice that I have no motivation. I never was the type to not be motivated to do things, to get things done....but here I am with absolutely no motivation. I don't even want to cook dinner most nights and cooking healthy meals was something that I loved so much. I no longer want to bake homemade treats with the kids and baking was a source of relaxation and pride in the past. I don't want to create or do art and art was something that I was never good at, but something that I ultimately enjoyed. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. I do force myself to get up each day, but just carrying on and doing life has been far more of a struggle than it ever should have been. I am tired. I am so very tired all of the time. It doesn't matter if I sleep all night without waking or if I am up all night sobbing, I am just exhausted all of the time. It is as if my soul is searching for something that it will never find and that it cannot stop searching on the slim chance that it will connect with my girl.
I am also noticing that I am my own worst enemy. I know the things that make me feel better, writing about Adeline, meditation, connecting with her through deep meditation, and yoga. When I am in one of these moods where I am so overly consumed by sorrow, I don't even feel like doing these.
I try so hard to be a good mom, to have fun with the kids and to do things. Last night we went to a little place called Kuchies on the Water.
The kids got these giant milkshake creations as we had went there for desert. I did actually cook last night and I made homemade crab rangoon. I notice that when I force myself to get out there, to do the things that I should have been doing all along, that I do better...but the motivation to force myself out there is just not happening.
The kids also laughed...a lot with us. It was nice to have a few moments that were not overwhelmed by sorrow (even though they were short lived and the sorrow consumed me as soon as I was alone at home). Side note, Huxley was not with us but he doesn't really like ice cream so this was not doing something out without him that was mean, more doing something without him that he would not have enjoyed!
I won't even lie. I think that the past few weeks have been hard because I am not writing. I have not been celebrating her life. I have not been making myself focus and do the things that I need to get done. I have not been doing what is needed. Instead I have been laying around trying to figure out how to get motivated. I need to stop trying and start doing.
I am having major anxiety thinking about today. Today is going to be one of the hardest days that I will have to face. It is a day when my girl should be here. She should be doing her solo that she worked so hard on when she made the competition dance team. She should be dancing in the student gala with the other children that she went to dance with. She won't be dancing. She won't be here with me to celebrate with flowers afterwards. She is gone. Nothing is going to bring her back, even though that the is the only thing that could ever make the world feel right again.
Today I will put on my brace mom face. I will go to the dance studio to attend the student gala. I will watch her solo being performed, just not by her...instead her sister will be dancing for her. I know that Adeline told Althea that when she died she would always be dancing with her. I know that my baby girl will be sharing that stage with her big sister, but I also know that I will not be able to see her dancing. I will not be able to see all of her hard work and accomplishments paying off.
Instead I can come home and watch this beautiful video. This last video of her dancing her solo that her teacher happened to take (for which I am so very thankful). In addition, I will not be watching her duet with her partner. Instead, I will be watching a tribute to her that is being performed by her sister and her former duet partner. I will not get to do the things that I have always wanted. I will not get to see my baby girl doing the things that she loved.
Where do I go from here? What can I say or do that will make this better? How do I keep going when my heart and soul want so bad to stop? How do I push through all of the pain? How do I make myself keep going on the outside when I am dying on the inside? How long can one bear this pain before it eats them alive?
I know that there are so many mommas out there without their babies. To each and every single one of you, I am so sorry. This pain is the worst possible pain. The moms that I have met personally, the ones who have reached out...those are the greatest women that I know. They are carrying the heaviest load and yet still living, still persisting, and still attempting to keep life together when it feels so broken apart. Michelle, thank you for reaching out from day one...I know that we need to do dinner sometime with you and Brad....I am just terrible about isolating lately, I am so afraid of losing it around someone that I have been staying close to home. Brenda, Jamie, and Lisa...you mommas have a special place in my heart and always will. The fact that we connected over something so horrible and so awful and yet have come to a place where we have become friends is quite beautiful to me. I know that I can reach out at any time and that you ladies will be there for me. Thank you! <3 You will never know how much I appreciate that I met you when I did, that I can learn from your journeys that my own journey is okay, that my own journey is normal. I only hope that I have been half of the blessing in your lives as you all have been in mine. (I would hope that I had been as big of a blessing to you, but I know that this is probably not the case...so I will shoot for half because you ladies are truly amazing!)
For those of you out there wondering what you can do. If you are my friend, please keep being a friend. Keep reaching out. Make plans with me. Make me get out of the house. Pick me up and take me anywhere...just make me be as active as I need to be. If you are not my personal friend, but you have a friend who has gone through the loss of a child, keep reaching out to them. Let them know that you care. It does not matter how long ago someone lost a child, there is nothing that will ever make that pain go away. Remember that and be the friend that they need, be the friend that they deserve...because I guarantee you that these moms would never want to see you go through anything like this. These moms would NEVER want to see you dealing with this level of pain. These moms would only wish the best for you and would stand in your corner fighting for you if you had this happen to you. The biggest thing to remember is that no mom should bury a child. No child should die before their parents.