So many feelings surround me in the stillness of the mornings. Mostly the overwhelming anxiety that comes with facing another day without one of babies here on earth with me. The constant torment and wonder of whether or not she is okay, of who she is with, and hoping and praying that she is happy and well taken care of until I can be with her. I want her to miss us (obviously), but I also don't want her to miss us too much. I don't want her to feel anything near the pain and sorrow that we all feel missing her. I don't want her to be alone with people that she did not get to spend years with, but I also find comfort in knowing that some of the greatest humans that my husband and I have ever known are in Heaven with her. I told Shane that I look at death differently now. Death breaks me in ways that it has never broken me before. I feel so much sorrow and pain for others who have to go through the pain of losing a loved one. I feel such a depth of sadness that it completely overwhelms me and literally has a soul crushing feeling.
You know those little FB interviews where you are supposed to ask your kids questions and see their answers? Well, one year ago today I had an interview with my sweet Adeline. The answers this morning made me smile, giggle, and then sob. So I thought that I would share them with you. These are the types of little moments that I will never again have with her and I cherish them so much these days.
Me -- "If you won a million dollars, what would you buy?"
Adeline -- "A puppy"
(A short time later we did adopt a dog named Chandler, but he would soon pass and go to Heaven. I do get great comfort from time to time knowing that Adeline has her puppy back in Heaven.)
(This song is the one that I relate to the most on this list. This is how I feel about losing my sweet Adeline, I am so lost. I don't know how to live with our her and I want to know how I can keep breathing and living after having lost my girl.)
Me -- "How long does it take to get to the U.K. from here?
Adeline -- "Two days"
(This is a pretty intelligent answer from my little lady as it takes quite a while to get to the U.K. from Illinois.)
Me -- "What does mommy always say to you?"
Adeline -- "Shhhh...I'm at work be quiet."
(This was during the beginning of quarantine when I had to work from home, home educate four kids -- well one was on his own from the beginning -- so when the kids were first home and we were settling into a routine, they would be very loudly running and screaming throughout the house. This made it impossible to work so I would have to ask them to be quiet for a few hours a day so that I could grade papers and get work done.)
Me -- "What job would you like to do when you are big?"
Adeline -- "A veterinarian."
(So sweet to remember this!)
(I can admit that I have not always been the most faithful person in life. I knew that there was something after death, but I did not know 100% what that was. I was not sure of what religion or faith was right, and I still believe that there is more than one that is....but there is a stronger faith in God after this. There has to be a God and there has to be a Heaven because without that belief what do I have to live for? I have to believe that I will be reunited in Heaven with my baby girl again!!)
Me -- "What is the capital of America?"
Adeline -- "Paris"
(LOL!!!! Apparently they do not learn about Washington D.C. in second grade!)
Me -- "Where do babies come from?"
Adeline -- "Momma's tummy"
(Oh be still my beating heart....I would give anything to hear her say momma again.)
Me -- "When do you become an adult?"
Adeline -- "18 or 17"
(It breaks my heart....literally breaks me to know that my sweet precious angel was taken before she ever got the chance to grow up, before she would ever even be able to imagine that she might be an adult one day.)
Me -- "If you could change one rule your family has, what would it be?"
Adeline -- "Being quiet when we are inside the house so that I can be loud..aahhhh!"
(She was always so funny and I loved that she would be silly like this when I was talking to her. Her spunk was one of the most beautiful things about her.)
Me -- "If you could be a superhero, what superpower would you have?"
Adeline -- "Telekinesis and teleporting"
(I hope that she uses her magical power of telekinesis to talk to me forever. I sometimes, especially in the very quiet moments, can hear her voice on the wind or hear her clearly in my mind. I want to believe that she has unlocked this special "superpower" and that she is using it to talk to me.....I don't care if you think that I am crazy for this, I actually don't care if my brain is making all of this up to make me feel better...to protect me from the harsh truth of reality. If this is how I choose to cope and what I choose to believe, you need to make sure that you support that regardless of whether or not you agree.)
Me -- "What would you do to save the planet?"
Adeline -- "Stop using plastic straws and plastic everything."
(Last year, we stopped using plastic in our house. We had gotten metal straws on one of our last shopping trips...all of us dressed up in matching Rosie the Riveter tees. We had been working on removing all plastic containers as we were replacing them with glass (new Pyrex). We even bought all new lunch containers which the kids used when we went to dance and were taking day trips and packing our lunch.)
Me -- "If you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?"
Adeline -- "Fruit because it's healthy and I want to be healthy."
(She was so wise with what her choices were. She LOVED her apples and I remember that I used to have long talks with her about where I would find random apple cores. I would give anything in the world to find a random apple core behind our television or to find an apple core under her little wooden desk.)
Me -- "How much does it cost to buy a house?"
Adeline -- "$200,000"
(She always took an interest in looking at real estate with me!)
Me -- "Why do you think we should be nice to each other?"
Adeline -- "Because being nice to each other is more enjoyable and momma and daddy don't need to yell and make us to have an early bedtime."
(The beginning of quarantine, I would say the first month, the kids fought A LOT. After that they began growing closer and I watched them become best friends with each other over those nine months. I think that this is part of why the impact of losing Adeline was so great. My kids literally played with one another all day every day. They laughed together, made up stories together, made up games, played board games, and so much more!)
Me -- "What does love mean to you?"
Adeline -- "That you like people."
(This is a big statement in those four little words. There was nothing more true about Adeline than she loved with her entire being and she showed that love to everyone.)
(I don't think that there will ever be a day where I am not knocking on Heaven's door. Daily I beg God to let me hear her voice, to give me a glimpse into Heaven, and to let me know that my girl is okay...that she is well and that she is being cared for. I had a friend lose the love of her life a few years back and Howie was quite the amazing human being. He loved life and I was so sad that I never got to spend time with him in person....but we talked about how we believe that Howie is in Heaven with my angel, protecting her and taking care of her until I can be with her and that he is playing with her. I also know that my grandpa is there and that he is caring for her. Adeline came to Huxley in a dream one night and told him how much she loved grandpa Web and how nice he was. Then there is her grandpa Steve. Everyone is constantly telling me how much my husband is like his father. Sadly, I met Shane about eight months after he lost his father so I never got to meet him. However, knowing that my husband is like him gives me so much confidence that my baby girl has the best grandpa up in Heaven with her while her other grandpa (who was equally wonderful with her) is here with her siblings. I am so thankful to have these blessings in the form of those who have passed whom I know are making my sweet girl comfortable, are keeping her busy so she doesn't miss us too much, are playing with her so that she is having fun, and are just loving her and making sure that she is so well loved. These are the images that I have of Heaven...my baby girl being spoiled with the most love from some of the greatest humans who have ever walked this earth.)
Me -- "What are you most scared of?"
Adeline -- "Lots of things, It, monsters (under my bed and in my closet), dying, people in my blank and when there's not supposed to be, getting kidnapped and not getting to see momma and daddy again, and people under my bed who grab me."
(This was what broke me this morning. This was what prompted me to just get up, knowing that I would not be able to go back to sleep so I might as well start my day with a little writing and then work on some cleaning and take a bath. The thought that my little angel was afraid of dying. I wish that I could have protected her. I still long for her every single second that I am alive and I know that I will long for her until the moment when I take my last breath. I want to go back in time still. I want to save her from that fire. I want to have her here with me. I want to pull her into my arms and literally never let her go.)
I am so very thankful that I took the time to do these types of things with my kids. I love that I have these little memories that flood me and pop up from time to time. Adeline was a unique little girl, one of a kind and truly the greatest human that I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Knowing that I am not able to be with her for what I hope (for my husband and other kids' sake) is many years hurts beyond belief. I have so much pain, so much sorrow, and I literally feel like a broken piece of my former self.
(This song has always elicited so many emotions from me, but I never understood why. Lately it has taken on new meaning. I have felt so much emotion when I think about the lyrics. "Sit in a circle facing the sun soak it in while you can, winter is on. I got no answer, but you've got no call. I just can't compete with the weight of it all." I have no way to compete with the weight of the world that I feel these days. I just have to keep pushing on, to keep doing the things that make my family happy, to keep creating and having fun with the beautiful children that are here on earth with me while always honoring our sweet girl.)
The songs that I shared throughout this post are the songs that I was inspired to note when I was driving on days 3 and 4 of my soul journey. These are the songs that I felt like Adeline wanted me to hear, the songs where I felt her spirit the strongest and at times the songs where I would have sworn I could hear her singing from the backseat. I hope that you enjoyed them as you read this fun little interview with my angel.