Hearing Her Stories
One of the greatest blessings for me today as a mom whose child has gone way to soon is to hear her stories shared. I had a VERY rough week and cried more than I have in a long time. One day I cried for four hours in the morning and could not stop crying for much of the day. I struggled to keep myself calm while I was working with my students, but I did make it.
When I was struggling, the only thing that I wanted was a hug from my little girl. Knowing that I could not have that, I posted in her memorial Facebook group for others to share stories about her. I wanted to hear those stories and to be able to read her name being shared again. I wanted to feel her memories and to see if I could hear new ones. I was able to get a few great stories from her best friend's mom and a new story that I had not heard from my brother. These stories are keeping her spirit alive within all of us.
Leah's mom shared this adorable picture of Adeline and Leah at a school sponsored BINGO night. She talked about how excited Adeline was when she won money. I remember this night so much and hearing her talk about winning was one of the joys. It was a joy that I had honestly not thought about in a long time and it unlocked the memory in a beautiful way.
I am so thankful that Leah's mom captured these photos for me and that she continues to keep my girl's spirit with them in all that they do. I am just so thankful to know how much my little girl was loved.
She also shared a video from when Shane and Adeline had met up with her and Leah at the Friendship Festival Fair. In the video Adeline and Leah are riding the swings. (I could never let the kids ride the swings because I was paranoid after hearing stories of children who had been injured on them. I am so thankful that Shane did some fairs alone with the kids so that they got to have these experiences!!) Shelly (Leah's mom) told me that she remembered Adeline laughing and saying "Look, no hands are you scared?" to Shane. That makes me giggle and smile, even as I am crying because I long to hear her voice in person again.
I am trying so hard to do better and to be better. I am doing some self help journals and working on increasing my self esteem and learning how to handle my emotions. I have a lot of BIG emotions and sometimes my emotions get the better of me.
I also finally delivered the Christmas gifts that I had purchased for her best friends. I know that it was incredibly late but mentally I wasn't able to do it with a smile on my face until now.
I also had not been on her memorial page for some time. I saw where my younger cousin had shared a photograph of her niece and my two girls playing. It made me smile to think of Adeline's laughter and how she would giggle when she ran and played.
My brother shared a story about how Adeline wanted to go to hibachi and my mom took her and he joined them. He shared that it was funny that she knew everything that the chef was going to do before he did it. (Don't judge me, lol! Hibachi was her favorite and we ate many meals there!) Then he said that my mom told them no eggs because she was allergic to them and she corrected her in front of the server and people there saying "I am not allergic, I just don't like eggs." She was something and this story left me with a small giggle knowing that I could just hear her voice saying those words. I miss the lunches and dinners that we had where we would go to hibachi together and talk about life. I would give anything just to talk to her about life for a bit.
The fact remains that I am devastated and that the hole in my heart continues to get bigger the more that I have to create new memories without her. Lately, I have been thinking about who she would have been in junior high, what clubs or activities she would have loved, if she would have still wanted to dance or if she would have been more interested in sports, what she would have wanted to watch on TV or at the movies, and whether or not McDonalds Coke and French fries and Sweet Tarts would have been her favorite things to eat.
I will forever think about her each and every day and will forever long to be reunited. I can only continue to put my faith and trust in the promise that is offered to me that when I die I will be reunited with my loved ones. I am hopeful that I can continue to move forward in life and that I can share my sweet girl with the world.