Finding Inner Peace and Strength
Losing Adeline is the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to me. Adeline was my mini, she was the one person in the world that I could completely understand. She had a calming ability to her and I often felt safe and calm when I was with her. I don't know how to describe the inner peace that I had after she was born. It was a peace that I had not previously had before. I was always so patient with her, and if you know me, you will note that I am not the most patient person....but with Adeline I never felt the need to rush her, I always slowed down, and I always attempted to do things at her pace. She was my person. I feel so lost without her here because she was that special one that would calm me and help me to feel relaxed and better about who I was.
I want to feel that inner peace that I felt when I had my love by my side. I want to have the peace of Adeline that made me the best mom, the best human, and the best version of me. I am trying to find that version of me....but it is a struggle. I feel like I don't know how to find it. I feel like I am so lost and do not know who I am any longer. I need to find me.
I have been diving deep into meditation and yoga. I am trying deep guided meditations and it is amazing what I feel, how I am able to process, and what comes to me in these often quiet and still moments. I feel so much love from my girl. I can see her spirit and hear her spirit telling me what I am supposed to do. I have been listening to her guidance. I knew that there was a pull that I was feeling to a certain house that we were considering purchasing. I did not know why I felt this pull, but I certainly knew that I felt it. I struggled with how to explain what I was feeling. It was through a deep guided meditation that I learned that there is a reason that I am being pulled to the house, it is the house where she wants me to be. It is a house where she wants me to raise her sister and brother and the house that she thinks I should call home. I don't know how to explain the pull that I feel towards this house. I was riding in the backseat of my aunt's car the other day when I felt a sudden push to look up. It was at that exact moment that I saw the house.
I was struggling after not seeing her in my dreams lately. It was during meditation that I realized that my grief was too great for me to hear my angel. I realized that she was always there beside me and that she had her arms wrapped around me in my deepest moments of pain. I could see her holding me as I lay sobbing in the hospital room, begging God to please let her just wake up as I tired to climb onto the triage bed with her knowing that if I could just do something she would come back to life. I saw her holding me as I was laying in my hospital bed after I had been checked in. In those deepest moments of shock when I did not know what I was doing, who I was talking to, or the things that were happening around me. As I lay in that bed sobbing and wanting to scream out while I held her bear, I realized that she was there with me holding me. During those moments on Christmas when I laid in my parents' back bedroom begging God to make this all be a bad dream, hoping and praying that I would wake up and have Christmas with my little girl, she was there holding onto me and trying to give me comfort. When I was laying in the hotel bed sobbing and thinking that I was going to die from a broken heart, she was there patting my back and telling me that it was alright, that she was safe, and promising me that I would get to hold her one day. After I moved into the rental house, on the days that I felt that I could not go on, when I would lay in my bed begging God to never let me wake up again, she was next to me offering me all of her comfort and love.
She reminded me in these moments of meditation that she is always near and that she spends so much time just being with me like she did when she was alive. She wanted me to know that she has hoped continuously that I could find moments of joy and that when she hears me laugh, those are some of her favorite moments...as our home was always filled with so much laughter.
To say that meditation and yoga have been my strongest pull to comfort would be an understatement. I feel as though I am going to be able to actually make it through the struggle and that I will one day be able to offer something back to others who find themselves immersed in their own grief. I have a very LONG way to go, but I know that with my girl by my side, I will always be able to get where I need to be. I have Adeline to guide me and for that I am forever grateful and thankful.
Yoga has been my new obsession. When I am in my practice, I feel the comforts of energy that surround me. I know that this energy is my girl. Yoga doesn't judge. I don't have to feel bad that I am out of practice and that the light yoga that I have been doing the past ten years has not been enough for my soul. I love being able to relax into the positions, to breathe through the pain, and to really feel the grief in a new way. I am able to feel myself grieving and to see where that grief needs to go for me to heel. I know that to be able to deal with the trauma of the fire, to get over the guilt of not getting my girl out, and to be able to forgive myself for not saving her, I first must let go of the trauma that I faced when I was younger. I have get rid of the basic level of trauma that is not good for me to be able to move on and create a space where I can heal. Yoga gives me that space. Yoga allows me to be me, to feel my deepest feelings, and to grow in new ways without fear or judgement. Yoga gives e the strength to keep going on the days when I want to lie in bed. Yoga offers me a sense of stability and happiness in the deepest places of feelings and regrets.
I thought that I knew where my life was headed. I went back to school three years ago in January, thinking that I knew where life was going to take me. I had plan to move after Andrew graduated, to be able to be a community college instructor and live the dream of teaching students about history and helping to promote justice in the community where I landed. I never thought that I would remain in central Illinois. Life had other plans for me. After the fire and the loss of their sister, I can't move my middle two kids anywhere. Andrew is graduating and will be attending the University of Illinois in the fall. My baby will be flying from the nest and I am so proud to see him spread his wings to see how high he will soar. I had applied to a PhD program, considering for a while that I would love to be a full professor one day. I had goals and plans to really create a better future for my children, my husband, and myself....but that all changed in 3 minutes. It is true that in a moment, your entire life and everything that you thought that you knew can blow up in your face.
During a guided meditation to meet my spirit guide, Adeline met with me again. She told me that she got to be one of her mommy's spirit guides and that she was happy to help share with the me the knowledge that she has found since gaining her wings. I always thought that Adeline was such an old soul. Now I know why. Her soul was literally meant to guide mine through life. I just wish that she got to guide me on earth rather than through my meditations, my dreams, and continual listening and feeling for her energy. I wish that she got to hold my hand as I walked down the street or through the grocery store, that she was in the backseat of my car singing with me as we listened to the radio. I just wish that my girl was here. I ordered my essential oils and will be ordering a diffuser next week so that I can diffuse oils in to the air each and every day. I am excited to be able to have a way to connect on a deeper level with my own energy and to be able to have more things that will help lead me to feel peace. (I still sit with my therapy light each and every time that I am at my desk.)
Adeline told me that I needed to go to a yoga retreat and become certified in my practice so that I can teach others and offer the gift of yoga and meditation to those who are suffering. I am planning on volunteering with hospice and the local hospitals as a way to make a difference in Adeline's name. I am going to call my services, Sweet Adeline's Natural Healing Practices. I am going to have tanks and tees made so that when I am in my practice and teaching classes that I will be able to carry on the message of my beautiful angel.
I still do the things that I need to make me feel healthier and better. But I do miss my girl terribly. I miss everything about her. Today there were some emotions as two of Adeline's best friends dress up as Thing One and Thing Two tomorrow. Adeline used to dress up for the spirit days with them. Last year she was Thing Two and her friend was Thing One. This year, they both have angel wings on the back of their shirt and her one friends wonderful mom made me a t-shirt to have. I am sharing pics of the masks that the girls will wear to school tomorrow and the back of their shirt as well as the front of the shirt that was made for our girl. I am so thankful that so many people loved her so much that she is being honored and thought of continuously from others. It is warming my heart to have so many reaching out to me to make sure that it is okay that they celebrate my girl and her beautiful, but way too short life.
So, as I embark on my soul healing journey, I feel as though I know what I need. My minds knows that it needs to heal. I know that I need to learn how to live as the new me in the weird twisted space of my new normal, that never feels completely normal. I know that I need to focus on the things that I can control and that the things that I can do to heal myself are really the most important. I know that I need to be the best possible me that I can be and that I need to allow myself to heal and be healed. I know that I need to really focus on how I can grow and gain perspective in a world that will never feel right, but I have a strong belief that one day my soul will be able to freely connect with Adeline's and that I will be able to carry forward through the pain by leaning on her.
Until we meet again my beautiful angel, please keep guiding me and showing me the way to connect with you so that I can be a greater me and have a better future knowing that you would be proud of where I am and who I have become. I want so bad for you to be proud of me as your mom.