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  • awalto29

Creating Space for You

Buying a new home, a place that you will never live was the hardest thing that I have ever had to be. Being excited about decorating and creating a space that is homey and is everything that I ever wanted doesn't carry the same joy that it would have before I lost you. I would have been so excited to share this space with you, to have you helping me pick out the perfect pieces to decorate and create a home. However, that is all gone now. I know that you are watching from Heaven. I feel you so very close to me, but I want you here with me. I want to hold your hand, to kiss you, to share in life with you...but I will never get to.

I have created some spaces in our home that are tributes to you. Little areas where I can see your smile, see the things that you once created and share your favorites. The bookshelf will come together as more of your things, like your Precious Moments collection are cleaned and found. I love what is happening so far, but I wish that you were creating this shelf with me. The emotions that I feel are so overwhelming that I honestly feel as though I can't breathe much of the time. I want to scream. I want to let everyone know that my heart is torn to pieces, pieces that can never be put back together or complete with you here. Those pieces are so precious to me...each memory, each small item that reminds me of you breaks my heart and makes me smile at the same time.

This wall features my birthday gift (the beautiful canvas with your picture and your song lyrics), one of the canvases that your best friend's mom made for the funeral, three pieces of your artwork, and a special gift from a deer friend that was created to honor you. (Yes, we have received more beautiful gifts, but those are still packed and I promise to share as I add to the space!)

The flower beds with your rocks are coming together nicely.

I love adding little unicorns into them so that there some of your favorite things to honor you.

I just pick up small unicorns when I am out shopping and stumble across them.

This is a unicorn shelf that I bought with the intention of displaying you things. The top two shelves are coming together (ignore the part of the third shelf that you see please). The top shelf has a beautiful gift that was given to me by grandma, a jar where I keep the pennies and coins that things that you send me from Heaven, and the bird house that Shane and I created at the parent grief retreat. The second shelf has a precious Dumbo that you painted when we had a paint day together at a ceramics studio, the unicorn ornament that was the last thing that we ever gifted to you (the real one burnt in the fire but generous folks from around the US sent me a few of the exact ones like this one and then some others that were similar in honor of her after hearing of the loss), a unicorn diamond art Althea and I created together, the cute little blue light glasses that you wore (again, not the exact ones but I was able to replace them and the car case that they came I did), and an angel that daddy found at an antique store and we thought would be something you would have loved. (Plus, you are our real angel now sweet baby girl and we want you to know that we are thinking of you by placing angels around our home.)

While we can never replace you or even begin to share how amazing you are with the world with these items, it gives me some comfort to have them where I can see them all day long. Sometimes for a very brief second I am able to forget that you are gone as I sit amongst your things. For a very short moment it feels as though you are just staying with a friend or visiting grandma and grandpa and that you will be back home soon. I know that this will never be my reality, but in those short moments when I feel as though it is, I get a peace that I have not felt since you left me....a peace that is not real nor will ever be real but a sense of hope that maybe I will get to hold you again. I hope that Heaven is real, that you will be in my arms again one day, but I feel so betrayed and hurt that you were taken from me. Never once did I take what I had for granted. I thanked God repeatedly for you and your brothers and sister. I always made sure to thank God so that there was never a question if I was grateful to have my beautiful babies.

You were so much of my joy from the time that you were born. There was a peaceful calm that I had never felt before you in my entire life and that I am sure that I will never feel again. Since you left it feels as though none of these things can ever happen again, that I will never be Abel to feel full joy that I felt when you were alive...yes, I have moments of happiness but my true joy is gone. It is hard to even be excited or happy for things. No, I am not depressed. I do not want to harm myself, I do not want to do anything like that....but I can say that I am not afraid of death. I used to worry about dying, fear that one day something could happen and that I would leave this world and be alone. Now, I know that when I leave this world I will join my beautiful angel and therefore there is no fear. I am just sad, filled with a sorrow that can't be explained and a painful heartache that feels as though it will never end.

I know that you are with yme though because you send me signs. Just now as I was going through the photos to add to this post, this photo popped up among them. I know that I was not shaking. I was taking my time to make sure that the photos of your space were good. I get little photos like this from time to time where I feel as though I can see something that is not there, a light or a shadow that show me that you are in the room with me in those moments. It is in these early morning hours that I feel that you are the closest to me. I love knowing that you are near.

I know that some people think that I am losing my mind when I say things like this...when I post pics like this last one. However, even if you don't believe, how could you take that from me. These beliefs are literally all that I have. Just go your own way and be thankful that this is not a reality that you face and that it is not something that you are dealing with. Let me believe that my angel is near and that these are the signs that she is giving to me.

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