A New Routine
I am sad, heartbroken, and want nothing more than to lie in bed and cry all day and night...but I know that my Sweet Adeline would have never wanted that. She would have wanted me to live. I am determined to live life to its fullest in honor of her memory. I want to do all of the things that she wanted to do in her memory and for her. I want to let her live through me if she so desires, so I am planning on doing my best in all that I do moving forward. I know that I will never be perfect, but I can be the best possible mom, wife, daughter, friend, sister, that is out there. I can apply myself to be the very best that I can be.
Today I started back in with my new routine. I went to class tonight and it was good for the soul. I know that I need to be productive to help me move through things and jumping into school is going so much better than I could have expected. In fact, it is going so well that I am going to actually attempt to graduate on time rather than taking incompletes and finishing up in August. I don't know that I won't end up taking at least one incomplete but one is better than two.
(This was our last family picture and I am so disappointed in myself that I kept putting them off because of my weight and wanting to look better in the next ones. I am thankful for these memories and for that gorgeous smile along with the memory of having our pictures taken and then playing in the park that day.)
I am taking a class on asylum seekers and hearing about the atrocities committed against children at the American borders is terrifying and makes me so angry at the same time. As a mom who has lost a child, I know the pain that these mothers are going through not being with their children. The fact that a government would do this to a mother and a child is beyond repulsive. I am going to make it my mission to learn more about these individuals and their stories, to learn how I can share their stories, and how I can help remedy or make better one of the worst situations that I have thought about. I am working on a paper for this class on the children that the government has stolen from parents throughout history. This is not the first time that the U.S. government has chosen to take children from parents, but this is a practice that needs to be stopped.
(Now, I had to share this amazing picture of my Sweet Adeline and her daddy. I remember that she was very adamant with Shane and the photographer that there needed to be a picture of just the two of them. I am so happy that this picture was taken and that Shane will forever have this special memory with our girl.)
I feel Adeline pushing me and cheering for me as I am reading and working on school things. I feel her presence and hear her voice telling me that I am going to be able to accomplish things and be great for her. I feel her with my soul and know that she is always present around me. I am so lucky to be Adeline's mom. She is the greatest thing that could have ever happened to my life and the lives of those around her. I am so thankful that God chose me to be Adeline's mom. I am devastated that God chose to take her from me at 9 years old. I am sad that I won't get to enjoy so many moments with her that I will have with the other kids. I feel like she was cheated out of life and like I was cheated out of being a mom, but I know that there is a greater purpose in this. I have to focus on this greater purpose because without that there is no hope and promise of having my sweet baby girl in my arms again. When my time comes to die, I will no longer fear this time, I will not be sad or terrified, instead I will be able to peacefully transition into a world that is beautiful where I will once again be reunited with my gorgeous daughter. Dear God, thank you for allowing me to be Adeline's mom, please show me your purpose and teach me how to carry Adeline's legacy forward by doing good for others.
Forget the Flowers has been one of my favorite songs for a while. It has been a little Wilco obsession that I have had. I have not been able to listen to this song because Adeline and I danced to it so much and sang it when we were waiting in the dance parking lot or driving together. I am able to listen again and while I do occasionally tear up, I am able to smile at the memory of her dancing and singing with me. I am able to close my eyes and picture those moments of us together and those memories are so beautiful. I am so thankful for so many amazing memories. The one fear that I have in life is that I will develop dementia or Alzheimer's...that I will have something go wrong where I will forget these memories and moments. I don't want to ever close my eyes and not have these types of memories or not see her smile. (My grandmother had Alzheimer's so that fear is a very real thing. I no longer fear cancer like I once did.)